A Letter to My Church Family

 Two weeks ago I was blessed with the opportunity to get up in front of my church and bare my heart. 

This was the scariest and most amazing experience. 

This is what I said.......

Hi, My name is Becca.

Some of you don’t know me and maybe you’re wondering why I’m standing up here. There are others of you that do know me but don’t know my past.

Then there are those of you that I have hurt and disappointed.

God calls us to confess our sins to one another and then we will be healed.

I know God has forgiven me already but I’m ready to be completely healed.

For those of you that don’t know me I will tell you a bit of my story.

I moved up to Lake Almanor about 8 years ago. I was a wife and a homeschooling mother of 2.

I fell in love with LACC. I started getting involved.

Then one Sunday Paul came and asked if I would be interested in helping out with our church Youth Group.

I was shocked because nobody had ever asked me anything like that.

I threw at him all the reasons that I shouldn't.

I told him that I have so much in my past and messed up so much in my life that I wouldn't be a good influence.

He said that was a perfect reason to be involved and that I can use those situations to help those young people that might be going through the same issues.

I also told him I was super shy and didn't like talking in front of people so I'm not sure I could be a leader.

So he asked me to just stop by and see what it's all about.

I experienced life with all of them for 3 years.

They ALL changed my life.

I felt like they all became my friends.

Yes, I was the adult but they were still my friends.

During those amazing 3 years I was able to be part of the most incredible experiences.

From Winter Camp, Hume, Kickback and a mission trip to Costa Rica.

Our Youth Pastor at the time now our Lead Pastor was able to push me to do things I would never have thought possible. (Like this. lol)

I got to watch these amazing young people grow.

I got to watch them walk through the some of the most difficult days in their young lives.

I was able to share the experiences and mistakes that I made with hope to help them not make the same mistakes.

Those Monday evenings, the camps and the mission trip weren’t just for all of them to change their lives but mine as well.

 I grew in my relationship with God immensely during that time. 

He brought me out of my comfort zone through all of them.

I feel like it's hard to put into words my feelings for all of them and what they mean to me.

Then, I did something that changed everything.

You all trusted me with your kids.

You trusted me to guide them down the right path but I didn’t

For years I had one piece of my life that I didn’t want to talk about.

My marriage.

I had been thinking about divorce for so long and I had just been hoping God would work on that part of my life as well.

That maybe God would bring me some kind of magic solution to make me love my marriage.

Yea

Years and years passed and it didn't come.

I was breaking down in that part of my life a little every day.

Nobody would know because I kept it inside.

I didn't want to be a bad influence or hurt my children.

But I ended up doing both of those things anyways.

No matter how hard I thought I tried, I just couldn't get past it.

By being around people that showed me that a divorce was okay I started believing it and I left.

I didn't just leave my husband but I left;

my life, my children, my family, my friends, my youth group and my church.

I changed everything that I did love all because I gave up.

Sometimes we think things are so difficult, that it's time to give up.

Don't ever give up.

God will always get you through eventually. 

From there I went to hanging out with a new crowd.

 I surrounded myself with people that agreed with me so I didn't have to feel bad for what I had done.

I fell.....

I fell from God....

In a way I got what I wanted but I lost so much more.

Then, shortly after that the Lord blessed me with Justin.

Yes, it was shortly after. 

Yes, it was a blessing.

Who knows where I would've gone without meeting him when I did.

Yes, I met him in the wrong way and at the wrong time, but I believe God knew what I needed. God saved me by bringing me an amazing man before I ruined my life even more. 

I walked away and made so many bad decisions. 

I was embarrassed.

I stopped coming to church because I didn’t want to be around people that would tell me that what I was doing was wrong.

The friends that cared about me.

To all the parents:

I was in leadership of all of your children.

God gave me an incredible position to do his work 

and I failed him.

I was leading them, some of them were stepping where I stepped.

 I influenced their lives and I drew them down the wrong path.

The one thing that hurts me most is that I might have led some of them astray.

I'm so sorry for disappointing you.

You entrusted your kids to me.

I had one of the most important jobs with your teenagers.

I'm sorry for hurting your kids.

I hope we can all look to the future that God has prepared.

Paul has heard this before but I added it anyways…….

To Paul: 

I'm so sorry. You believed in me.

You trusted that I would be a good influence.

I failed you.

Then, I left you to answer the questions that you didn't have the answers to. 

I didn't even have the courage to come back and tell them all myself.

Thank you for believing in me and still believing in me.

Thank you for praying for me.

Thank you for forgiving me.

To my two oldest children:

I never wanted this life for you.

I never wanted to hurt you.

I was selfish.

I don’t want you to have to share your holidays.

I don’t want you to have to carry your things back and forth in a suitcase every week because you want your favorite toys or clothes the next week.

I didn’t want you to be torn.

I have made your lives so much harder

And I am so very sorry.

There is nothing I can ever do to take back the pain I have caused you.

To my littlest toddler:

You are too young to understand any of this but,

I’m sorry your Sissy and Bubby are gone every other week.

I’m sorry that you have to ask for them to come home because you miss them so much.

To my amazing husband:

Thank you for being there for me.

You have had to walk a hard road with me.

We have had to walk a hard road.

Nothing has been easy for us.

Thank you for putting a smile on my face every day

 but especially on the hard days.

Thank you for being by my side.

 Lastly to my church family and friends:

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for disappointing you.

I’m sorry for walking away from God and I’m sorry for walking away from you.

I hurt many of you and I can never take that back.

I’m sorry.

Even as adults we mess up.

Sometimes those mess ups can be life changing.

They can be embarrassing. 

We will sometimes be ashamed of our past.

But, there is always time to change your life.

There is always time to come back to God,

to let him take over your life.

God has blessed me in so many ways in the last couple of years since then.

I look back and I see him standing by me through all the difficulties.

He helped me along the way and directed my path even after I walked away.

He has always brought me back.

Let God direct your lives and your life will be better off.

Your life will be beautiful.

Some of you might say that it worked out for me so it can work out for you too.

Yes, it worked out for me.

I have been forgiven.

Yes, God will bless your life.

Yes, God will forgive you when you come back to him.

You still have to deal with the consequences of your choices.

The longer you are away from God the more consequences you will have.

I don’t want to be the person that someone looks at and says, that I did it and I’m happy, so they can too.

That may be true. I am happy. But it has come with a very difficult road.

I have been punishing myself for a very long time.

I thought God would never be able to use me again.

I have been a failure.

Paul has encouraged me many times with the story of David. He made many mistakes and was still called, “A man after God’s own heart.”

I desire to be a woman after God’s own heart.

Through my bad decisions God has given me a heart for marriage.

We have to fight for our marriages.

They are the most important work that we can do for God.

I believe that if our marriages are whole the rest of our lives will fall into place.

Whatever your carrying around today,

God wants to take the weight off your back,

so give it to him.

  

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 

The whole sermon was absolutely amazing and I urge you to listen to it and I do come in towards the end. If you want to listen you can click here. 
http://lacconline.sermon.net/main/main/20876035