It's 3 am and I can't sleep.
My youngest daughter and my husband are all cozy in our bed and I can't quiet my mind. I didn't even know if I would ever write about this but with the recent loss I just need somewhere to put my feelings on this very heartbreaking event. This painful experience is very current and raw to me and I hope I will be able to put my feelings down correctly.
I believe the subject of miscarriage isn't talked about very often. I believe that when women experience a miscarriage it's so hurtful and embarrassing that they rarely tell anyone especially if they have had more than one. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold much back. I think we are all human and the experiences that God has given us are a way to help others. If we don't talk about it then we can't help each other.
I'm hurting right now. Bottom line is a miscarriage is hurtful weather you chose to get pregnant or weather it was a surprise. I believe that in some way you will carry it for the rest of your life. Here is our story:
September of 2015, about a year ago, we found out I was pregnant. We didn't want to get pregnant at that time. We were on birth control, our daughter was only a year old and we were going through a very hard time. It wasn't the right time at all. We love children and wanted more children in the future but right then was just a hard season. We didn't tell very many people but we did tell our children and a couple of people closest to us. We were going to wait until after our first doctors appointment to tell the world with our sonogram pictures. The first appointment came and they did the ultrasound and couldn't find a heartbeat. My heart sank. I have three healthy children, how could this happen? Maybe it was a mistake? They scheduled another ultrasound at the hospital. My husband couldn't make it to this one because of work so I was on my own. The ultrasound tech was so kind and got a very kind older doctor to reveal to me the definite truth about our baby. Our baby wasn't alive. He explained that his wife had a miscarriage when they were younger and went on to have four healthy children. Everyone wants you to feel like it's not your fault but you feel like it is anyways. They go over your options to have a D&C procedure to have all the tissue removed. Tissue? It's my baby!
I had wished my husband was able to come along. It was hurtful, embarrassing and I felt alone that day. My husband wished he was there and was so amazing when he got home, he just loved on me. We decided not to do any medical procedures and to let my body do what it was supposed to naturally.
Everything we had seen in movies didn't prepare us for what was about to happen.
I started bleeding on the 11th of September. I was very crampy and in pain during this time. We consider me to actually miscarry on the 23rd. It was not a sit on the toilet, over and done thing (I'm sure some people do have this experience but not I). We dropped our kids off at Awana's and as we got home I started extreme cramping and I started passing huge blood clots. It lasted for a couple of hours. Every time one came out I wondered if it was our baby but I couldn't tell. I had never seen this much blood or this big of blood clots in my life. My husband was so helpful and got me whatever I needed, he's such an amazing man and supporter. He is always strong for me when I need him to be.
The pain and bleeding wouldn't stop. I got in the shower thinking this might help. It didn't. Nothing helped. My husband picked up the kids from Awana's and got them in bed that night as I was still going through the pain of losing our child. I was weak from losing so much blood. I kept wondering if a person could lose this much blood and live. I don't remember what time it stopped but eventually the cramping subsided enough to crawl into bed and sleep.
The next two weeks were still rough. I kept bleeding and ever so often would have a time of clots again. I wondered if this would ever end. Would I ever get passed this? The bleeding stopped for a short time and we thought, finally it's over. But every couple of days I would start up again and have the extreme cramping but it would only last about an hour or so. We finally decided to make a doctors appointment. They discovered that there was still some "tissue"left in me that needed to be removed. On Saturday October 10th I had a procedure that I never thought I would have. I had a D&C. I had never had surgery or been put out so that part was scary. My husband and I were glad we decided on this route instead of waiting it out. We were glad it was finally over. It had been a really long, rough month. We just wanted to heal.
It was tough to tell our kids. To explain that sometimes this happens. It's such a hard thing to explain to children that sometimes babies don't survive. I think it hurt our son the most because he was hoping for a little brother to have in his room and teach Legos.
In the coming months it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant. It seemed like announcements were going up all around Facebook. It hurt every time. I saw women that were growing in their pregnancy and I thought about how far along I would've been. I would see babies and be so jealous of those women. This went on for a few months. I kept the pain inside. I didn't even fully explain my feelings to my husband (even though he probably already knew).
A year later......
A few months ago, my husband and I, decided to expand our family and try for another baby. We were so excited. We did everything right. I started on Prenatals, I stopped drinking alcohol and started eating better. At first we just let things happen as they did but then a couple of months went by and we still weren't pregnant so we started tracking my ovulation and the next month we found out we were expecting.
We were so excited but not as excited as when we had our daughter. This time there was a cloud hanging over our heads. Would it happen again? Would we have to go through that pain again? We didn't tell anyone. We didn't tell our children, we didn't want them to go through the loss again. We kept it to ourselves. We rarely talked about it. It wasn't like our 2 year old. When we were pregnant with her we told the whole world right away. We read books and had every pregnancy app on our phones. We followed so closely.
I finally gave in and added some pregnancy apps to my phone. I thought as time went on that there's no way that this would happen again. The first time we were on birth control so we blamed that for the miscarriage, but this time we did everything right. I would start to get excited and then remind myself not to get excited until after the ultrasound. The weeks dragged on and on. I wanted to tell people but we just couldn't. We would have a conversation about having a new little one but stop it short. I would watch videos of babies and look forward to having a new little one of our own. The closer it got to the doctors appointment the more we talked about it. I just kept thinking there's no way this is going to happen again, it's so rare.
Our little girl is obsessed with babies and she will do everything baby. When she sees a baby, even if it's in a picture she puts her arms out and says, "Hold baby?" She plays with her babies at home all day long and anytime we go to the store she wants to see the baby toys. I was so excited because the time was coming where we could explain to her that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. I couldn't wait to tell our two oldest children, they were going to be so excited. Skyler would look forward to having a baby brother. We planned it out. We had a family trip coming up and they were coming back from their dad's on Tuesday, so we would tell them then, the day before our trip. We decided that we would do family pictures that day so we could take fun pregnancy announcement pictures to post on Facebook after we told our family on Thanksgiving.
The day finally came for our doctors appointment.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep, every scenario went through my head and I was so filled with fluctuating emotions. The day went so slow. I would get excited but then remind myself that I can't get excited until after the ultrasound, but really I was excited. This wouldn't happen again, right? We are going to be able to tell everyone and start planning for our sweet little family addition. My mind had been full of worry, doubt, happiness, excitement and fear. I went to a Thanksgiving feast at my son's school and on my way home I just started praying. I don't know if any of you have felt God speak to you before but it's hard to describe. It's this feeling that comes over you, a knowing. I had this as I was praying for our appointment coming up in just a few hours. It was a feeling that everything will be okay. I felt at peace. God just told me that our baby would survive. I still had worry in the back of my mind though but it felt different.
The drive to the doctors office felt like forever. The doctor took forever to come in and then it took forever to get to the ultrasound part.
Right away I knew something was wrong.
The second the picture came up, the first glance, there was no baby. The sac was there but with nothing inside. I laid back down and watched the doctors face. I could tell by the look of his face what he was going to say. My heart sank. My husbands face showed the same thing my heart was feeling. This can't be happening again. We did everything right. Our two year old, that was in my husbands arms and was just jabbering, was suddenly quiet. She even knew something was wrong. The doctor gave us his apologies and left the room to give us a little time. I broke. I can't believe it. I thought God told me that our baby was okay? What did he mean? God, are you even real? Am I being punished for all the wrong things I have done? Do you want me to experience every kind of hurtful experience in this life? Why? What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why did our baby die? Why is this happening again?
My husband, the amazing, strong man that he is just held me and reassured me that it wasn't my fault and we would try again. He gave me hope for our future. He said all the right things even though I know he was hurting too. He lost his little baby, maybe even his son. I know his heart was breaking as well but my husband just knew that I needed him. I'm so blessed to have this wonderful man by my side.
Our little girl just laid her head on her daddy's chest and watched with sad eyes. She didn't know what was going on but she knew something was making mommy very sad. She had no idea that she just lost her little baby too. The little baby that I had pictured her being so excited to hold. Her very own baby brother or sister that she can hold anytime she wanted.
My husband and I decided that we didn't want to go through what we went through the last time, especially with our family trip coming up. We made an appointment for a D&C with the doctor.
We left that doctors office hand in hand with our hearts breaking.
The world continues on....
Nothing stops, even if it stopped for us.
Our world was crushed and nobody knew.
We had my Brother in Law's football game about 2 hours out of town that night and we started our journey. It was not filled with excitement and joy of singing songs on the radio. The drive was filled with thoughts of loss and tears.
I know everyone has had a different experience and has different feelings on this tragedy. I also know there are people that have lost their babies later in pregnancy or after the baby is born. My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a child. I can't imagine the amount of pain of losing a child you have held in your arms.
Earlier, when I was explaining my doubts in my time of pain, I said, "Is God even real?". In times of pain and confusion isn't this what a lot of us do? Isn't it easy to let our doubts in? I don't know what God's plan is for us. I don't even know if he is going to allow us to have more children. But I do know that I may have taken what he said wrong. I took it as our baby would survive, but what he really gave me was peace that everything would be okay. I'm hurting and I want to know why but I'm not going to find out why this side of Heaven. I will always have doubts. I'm already worrying about the future. Will it happen again? Will we go through the 9 long weeks then be crushed again? But, like my husband said, "this doesn't mean we stop trying". We might just have to go through this again but it's something I'm willing to do. I don't know what kind of loss or pain will be coming and I don't know what the future holds.
One thing I do know, (as my tears fall upon this computer) that we have two beautiful babies in Heaven waiting for us.
No, we didn't get to enjoy them here on earth but one day we will meet them.
One day we will hug them, our children will hug their brothers or sisters, but for now they are with Jesus.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
