Miscarriage: The Raw, Heartbreaking, Painful Experience (Warning! This will be a bit gross)

It's 3 am and I can't sleep. 

My youngest daughter and my husband are all cozy in our bed and I can't quiet my mind. I didn't even know if I would ever write about this but with the recent loss I just need somewhere to put my feelings on this very heartbreaking event. This painful experience is very current and raw to me and I hope I will be able to put my feelings down correctly.

I believe the subject of miscarriage isn't talked about very often. I believe that when women experience a miscarriage it's so hurtful and embarrassing that they rarely tell anyone especially if they have had more than one. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold much back. I think we are all human and the experiences that God has given us are a way to help others. If we don't talk about it then we can't help each other.

I'm hurting right now. Bottom line is a miscarriage is hurtful weather you chose to get pregnant or weather it was a surprise. I believe that in some way you will carry it for the rest of your life. Here is our story:

September of 2015, about a year ago, we found out I was pregnant. We didn't want to get pregnant at that time. We were on birth control, our daughter was only a year old and we were going through a very hard time. It wasn't the right time at all. We love children and wanted more children in the future but right then was just a hard season. We didn't tell very many people but we did tell our children and a couple of people closest to us. We were going to wait until after our first doctors appointment to tell the world with our sonogram pictures. The first appointment came and they did the ultrasound and couldn't find a heartbeat. My heart sank. I have three healthy children, how could this happen? Maybe it was a mistake? They scheduled another ultrasound at the hospital. My husband couldn't make it to this one because of work so I was on my own. The ultrasound tech was so kind and got a very kind older doctor to reveal to me the definite truth about our baby. Our baby wasn't alive. He explained that his wife had a miscarriage when they were younger and went on to have four healthy children. Everyone wants you to feel like it's not your fault but you feel like it is anyways. They go over your options to have a D&C procedure to have all the tissue removed. Tissue? It's my baby!

 I had wished my husband was able to come along. It was hurtful, embarrassing and I felt alone that day. My husband wished he was there and was so amazing when he got home, he just loved on me. We decided not to do any medical procedures and to let my body do what it was supposed to naturally. 

Everything we had seen in movies didn't prepare us for what was about to happen. 

I started bleeding on the 11th of September. I was very crampy and in pain during this time. We consider me to actually miscarry on the 23rd. It was not a sit on the toilet, over and done thing (I'm sure some people do have this experience but not I). We dropped our kids off at Awana's and as we got home I started extreme cramping and I started passing huge blood clots. It lasted for a couple of hours. Every time one came out I wondered if it was our baby but I couldn't tell. I had never seen this much blood or this big of blood clots in my life.  My husband was so helpful and got me whatever I needed, he's such an amazing man and supporter. He is always strong for me when I need him to be. 

The pain and bleeding wouldn't stop. I got in the shower thinking this might help. It didn't. Nothing helped. My husband picked up the kids from Awana's and got them in bed that night as I was still going through the pain of losing our child. I was weak from losing so much blood. I kept wondering if a person could lose this much blood and live. I don't remember what time it stopped but eventually the cramping subsided enough to crawl into bed and sleep. 

The next two weeks were still rough. I kept bleeding and ever so often would have a time of clots again. I wondered if this would ever end. Would I ever get passed this? The bleeding stopped for a short time and we thought, finally it's over. But every couple of days I would start up again and have the extreme cramping but it would only last about an hour or so. We finally decided to make a doctors appointment. They discovered that there was still some "tissue"left in me that needed to be removed. On Saturday October 10th I had a procedure that I never thought I would have. I had a D&C. I had never had surgery or been put out so that part was scary. My husband and I were glad we decided on this route instead of waiting it out. We were glad it was finally over. It had been a really long, rough month. We just wanted to heal. 

It was tough to tell our kids. To explain that sometimes this happens. It's such a hard thing to explain to children that sometimes babies don't survive. I think it hurt our son the most because he was hoping for a little brother to have in his room and teach Legos. 

In the coming months it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant. It seemed like announcements were going up all around Facebook. It hurt every time. I saw women that were growing in their pregnancy and I thought about how far along I would've been. I would see babies and be so jealous of those women. This went on for a few months. I kept the pain inside. I didn't even fully explain my feelings to my husband (even though he probably already knew). 

A year later......

A few months ago, my husband and I, decided to expand our family and try for another baby. We were so excited. We did everything right. I started on Prenatals, I stopped drinking alcohol and started eating better.  At first we just let things happen as they did but then a couple of months went by and we still weren't pregnant so we started tracking my ovulation and the next month we found out we were expecting. 

We were so excited but not as excited as when we had our daughter. This time there was a cloud hanging over our heads. Would it happen again? Would we have to go through that pain again? We didn't tell anyone. We didn't tell our children, we didn't want them to go through the loss again. We kept it to ourselves. We rarely talked about it. It wasn't like our 2 year old. When we were pregnant with her we told the whole world right away. We read books and had every pregnancy app on our phones. We followed so closely. 

I finally gave in and added some pregnancy apps to my phone. I thought as time went on that there's no way that this would happen again. The first time we were on birth control so we blamed that for the miscarriage, but this time we did everything right. I would start to get excited and then remind myself not to get excited until after the ultrasound. The weeks dragged on and on. I wanted to tell people but we just couldn't. We would have a conversation about having a new little one but stop it short. I would watch videos of babies and look forward to having a new little one of our own. The closer it got to the doctors appointment the more we talked about it. I just kept thinking there's no way this is going to happen again, it's so rare. 

Our little girl is obsessed with babies and she will do everything baby. When she sees a baby, even if it's in a picture she puts her arms out and says, "Hold baby?" She plays with her babies at home all day long and anytime we go to the store she wants to see the baby toys. I was so excited because the time was coming where we could explain to her that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. I couldn't wait to tell our two oldest children, they were going to be so excited. Skyler would look forward to having a baby brother. We planned it out. We had a family trip coming up and they were coming back from their dad's on Tuesday, so we would tell them then, the day before our trip. We decided that we would do family pictures that day so we could take fun pregnancy announcement pictures to post on Facebook after we told our family on Thanksgiving. 

The day finally came for our doctors appointment.

 Last night I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep, every scenario went through my head and I was so filled with fluctuating emotions. The day went so slow. I would get excited but then remind myself that I can't get excited until after the ultrasound, but really I was excited. This wouldn't happen again, right? We are going to be able to tell everyone and start planning for our sweet little family addition.  My mind had been full of worry, doubt, happiness, excitement and fear. I went to a Thanksgiving feast at my son's school and on my way home I just started praying. I don't know if any of you have felt God speak to you before but it's hard to describe. It's this feeling that comes over you, a knowing. I had this as I was praying for our appointment coming up in just a few hours. It was a feeling that everything will be okay. I felt at peace. God just told me that our baby would survive. I still had worry in the back of my mind though but it felt different. 

The drive to the doctors office felt like forever. The doctor took forever to come in and then it took forever to get to the ultrasound part. 

Right away I knew something was wrong. 

The second the picture came up, the first glance, there was no baby. The sac was there but with nothing inside. I laid back down and watched the doctors face. I could tell by the look of his face what he was going to say.  My heart sank. My husbands face showed the same thing my heart was feeling. This can't be happening again. We did everything right. Our two year old, that was in my husbands arms and was just jabbering, was suddenly quiet. She even knew something was wrong. The doctor gave us his apologies and left the room to give us a little time. I broke. I can't believe it. I thought God told me that our baby was okay? What did he mean? God, are you even real? Am I being punished for all the wrong things I have done? Do you want me to experience every kind of hurtful experience in this life? Why? What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why did our baby die? Why is this happening again?

My husband, the amazing, strong man that he is just held me and reassured me that it wasn't my fault and we would try again. He gave me hope for our future. He said all the right things even though I know he was hurting too. He lost his little baby, maybe even his son. I know his heart was breaking as well but my husband just knew that I needed him. I'm so blessed to have this wonderful man by my side. 

Our little girl just laid her head on her daddy's chest and watched with sad eyes. She didn't know what was going on but she knew something was making mommy very sad. She had no idea that she just lost her little baby too. The little baby that I had pictured her being so excited to hold. Her very own baby brother or sister that she can hold anytime she wanted. 

My husband and I decided that we didn't want to go through what we went through the last time, especially with our family trip coming up. We made an appointment for a D&C with the doctor. 

We left that doctors office hand in hand with our hearts breaking. 

The world continues on....

Nothing stops, even if it stopped for us.

Our world was crushed and nobody knew.

We had my Brother in Law's football game about 2 hours out of town that night and we started our journey. It was not filled with excitement and joy of singing songs on the radio. The drive was filled with thoughts of loss and tears. 

I know everyone has had a different experience and has different feelings on this tragedy. I also know there are people that have lost their babies later in pregnancy or after the baby is born. My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a child. I can't imagine the amount of pain of losing a child you have held in your arms.

Earlier, when I was explaining my doubts in my time of pain, I said, "Is God even real?". In times of pain and confusion isn't this what a lot of us do? Isn't it easy to let our doubts in? I don't know what God's plan is for us. I don't even know if he is going to allow us to have more children. But I do know that I may have taken what he said wrong. I took it as our baby would survive, but what he really gave me was peace that everything would be okay. I'm hurting and I want to know why but I'm not going to find out why this side of Heaven. I will always have doubts. I'm already worrying about the future. Will it happen again? Will we go through the 9 long weeks then be crushed again? But, like my husband said, "this doesn't mean we stop trying". We might just have to go through this again but it's something I'm willing to do. I don't know what kind of loss or pain will be coming and I don't know what the future holds.

One thing I do know, (as my tears fall upon this computer) that we have two beautiful babies in Heaven waiting for us. 

No, we didn't get to enjoy them here on earth but one day we will meet them. 

One day we will hug them, our children will hug their brothers or sisters, but for now they are with Jesus. 

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 

Pulling The Plug (The Pacifier is the Plug)

When you have a baby you have the decision to use a pacifier or to not use one. 

I think both of these decisions make things hard. 

The parents that don't use one might have it a bit harder while they have babies but they don't ever have to take it away.

When my kids were babies they wanted to suck on something and instead of using me we gave them a pacifier. It comforted them and helped them sleep, but it makes it hard now because they got attached to it. 

Our little girl is so very attached to her Gring, Gring (what she calls her pacifier). She only uses it when she is sleeping, unless she is sick then she has it a bit more often. We don't give it to her in public and she doesn't walk around playing or in a store with it. 

There is nothing against that, some people do give their kids one in public and that's okay, every parent has to do what they have to do.

Lately, our little girl has been sick a lot. She has only had a couple of days well in between sicknesses (there are a lot of flu's going around where we live). So, she has had her pacifier a lot more than usual. Needless to say she was getting more and more attached to it. She was asking for it in the car, on bike rides and in the store. We realized it was time to be done with it. I wanted to wait until she was better to take it from her but it just seems like she kept being sick and there was never a right time. 

Sooooooo.....

We decided yesterday to take it away. I waited until my husband got home from work so we could talk to her together. That was so she knew we were both on the same page and she couldn't go to him to ask him for it later. We sat her down and told her that she is a big girl now and she doesn't need a pacifier. Just like Sissy and Bubba, they don't use a pacifier. We told her it was time for it to be all gone and she is going to throw it away in the garbage. 

She said okay and threw it in the garbage then went around playing for the evening. I made sure to take the garbage out in front of her so that she knew it was gone for sure. 

Bedtime came, and as she was snuggling daddy, she looked at me and asked for her gring gring. Then her face changed as she realized where it was. She started to cry, it was such a heartbreaking cry. These situations are such a hard thing to watch as her parents. But I took her into bed and tucked her in. When she said, "gring gring, throw away," I just reminded her that she is a big girl and doesn't need it anymore. I got her all her babies and tucked them in around her, kissed her and left the room. 

We were prepared for a really rough night. She cried a couple of times but then just fell asleep. 

We were surprised for sure.

She only woke up one time asking for her gring gring, (usually she would wake up multiple times for me to get her pacifier for her in the night). I just told her it was okay and that I would sit with her. It only took her like 3 minutes to fall asleep. 

Of course, we will see how nap time goes today and how this evening goes but it's been pretty easy so far.

As parents sometimes we have to do hard things for our kids that end up being a good thing. Those decisions start with potty training, taking the pacifier away, teaching them that the oven is hot to things that become harder when they are teenagers.  When they are teenagers we say no to things that will make them very upset at us but that's because we are their parents and we know better. God blessed us with our children to raise them up and teach them right from wrong. We are older and we have already gone through most of those lessons. 

As mother and father we need to stand together and let our children know that we are on the same page. We need to let them know what we expect from them and stand firm when they try to tip us over. This ranges from the difficulties of a temper tantrum from a 2 year old to a 15 year old. Children need us to raise them up according to God's word. They need discipline and structure no matter what stage they are in.

Life is hard! 

Do the best to your ability and know that God gave you your children because he knew you  could handle it. He gave you all the skills to manage and to fight the good fight. 

Keep it up parents!

Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

The Truth Behind Divorce

The big "D" word, 

and it is just that. 

It is the biggest decision in your life. The one that will alter all of your past and your future. It will change everything from the way you live, your children, and the way people around treat you.

My ex husband and I got together when I was 17 years old. I never really had a chance to be me or figure out what I really wanted. I just knew I always wanted to be married and have children so I just jumped in. We had two beautiful children. I had been having thoughts of leaving for many years that I had suppressed. I had even brought it up to him many times but he never took it seriously. 

Around the 12 year mark I was fully involved in our church. I was the leader of an Awana group, I was a leader in the youth group and I was going to weekly bible studies. Working in the youth group was the best time in my life. Learning (I say that because they are the ones that taught me so much) with such wonderful young people was so very amazing. We went to summer camps and even a mission trip to Costa Rica. Some amazing things happened in that time in my life. Except my life at home. I felt like I was doing these things to please God for sure but also so I didn't have to be home in the evenings. I tried to skip past talks of marriage with my students because I didn't want to lie to anyone and I didn't know what to say.

I spent time paying attention to other marriages that had gone through a divorce and they seemed happy. I wanted to be happy in that area too. I just didn't know the sacrifice I would have to make with the happiness I already had in all the other areas in my life. 

One day I had had enough and I left. I moved in with my mom. Things just went from bad to worse through the divorce process. It wasn't easy at all. It was quite ugly.

The kids are always the ones that suffer the most.
It has been a hard thing for them to split their time between two parents, two houses, two bedrooms and two neighborhoods. It's hard for school as well. They want to take toys they are interested in back and forth so they take them to school with them every week (this must be embarrassing for them). They do the same with clothes if they have something specific that they want to wear. School papers and announcements don't always get to each parent (even though the school tries really hard). It's hard to plan extra curricular activities and vacations. Everything is mapped out on my calendar for scheduling. These things are not easy tasks. The kids have stayed positive through all of it. They are such loving children and we talk a lot. We always keep communication going and I'm always asking how they are feeling and holding up. They seem to be doing well but this will always make their life a little more difficult.

Family is the next thing to be affected.
The whole family is broken. From family that might have taken you in and stood by you in hard times. To cousins that are no longer cousins. Family trips that are no longer yours. You don't realize these things in the process. You don't think about the other people you will lose. People you have loved, people you have cried on the shoulder of and people that have been there for you.

Friends? You really find out who those are during something like this. Most people don't know how to handle people going through a divorce (which is understandable) but you really need friends to stand by you instead of being scared and staying away. You need friends to call you up and spend time with you. Most of my friends disappeared. 

That's where the church comes in.
I love my church. I still go to this church but nobody here knew how to handle it either. I left the church for a while and during this time I had maybe two or three people try to talk to me through Facebook. My pastor/friend called multiple times but I wasn't ready to talk to him. Friends I had been going to bible study with, for 3 years, just stopped talking to me besides the normal greeting when we see each other at the store. It felt like I was poisoned and nobody wanted to be around me. Like maybe the divorce might rub off on them. 

How did I handle it?

Not well that's for sure. I started going out drinking all the time. The friends I met at the bar made me feel normal. It wasn't like the people I had called my friends for so long that were scared to be around me. These people accepted me for where I was and just worried about me during the process to make sure the kids and I were doing well. I had started to feel accepted but I was also missing something. I had pulled away from God. From the peace and happiness he had been bestowing on my life. I started to fall into a depression full of guilt. I was in a completely different lifestyle in a matter of weeks and it was really hard to get adjusted to. I had uprooted myself from the comfort of my home and I brought my kids along with me (I tried to make things as normal as possible for the kids when they were with me). I pretended that, that was the life I wanted. I had even convinced myself that I didn't need God anymore. I was falling apart a little at a time and telling myself it was okay and normal to be this way. 

What did I learn?

Well, I met my wonderful husband a little while after, which he has been a huge blessing. He has walked with me through the ups and downs of this process. He has stood by the kids and I's side and supported us when things got difficult. He has been my rock. 

What I have learned in this process is divorce is never the option and it will always make things harder(unless you are being abused than that's a different story). You will think it's the only option but it's not. The precious lives of children are not worth altering.  Your own sanity isn't worth altering. I have had people come to me hoping that I would tell them that it was okay to get a divorce and I tell them the opposite. I hope that I am not one of those people that someone looks at saying that I'm happy so they will be too. That's a lie!
Yes, I am happy.
I love my husband!
We have so much love between us and a wonderful life with three beautiful children, but it is the opposite of easy. Every other week that Monday comes when the kids have to go back to their dad's and it's so hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye and not see them for a week. It's hard to know that I won't be there to tuck them into bed at night and kiss them in the morning. It's hard to think about the experiences that I won't be a part of. The things they do that they have to remember to tell me about next week. I miss them tremendously every day they are gone.

It's hard on our little one when she has to say goodbye to them all the time. She cries a lot for her Bubba and her Sis-sis. She has trouble sleeping in her room without her Sis-sis. Sometimes we have vacations or trips to places that they aren't able to go on (we can't always control what week activities fall on). Sometimes there are field trips that I can't attend. I miss things, a lot of things. I'm not there for experiences in their lives. I'm not there as a full time mother any longer. There have been so many difficult parts of this that nobody actually fully understands unless they have walked it. But I tell you today not to walk that way. Don't take that direction. It's not worth it. There is always a way to fix a marriage and you will always come to a time of difficulty if you let it.

There is a reason that God has the perfect plan for marriage. When we don't go by his plan then we are the ones that get hurt and we hurt a lot of other people in process. Just look at our hurting world around us. Look at all the hurting people. If we would just live the lives that God designed for us so many things would be different.

Work on your marriages.
Build your Love for one another.
Spend time together.
Do whatever is possible and lean on God to help walk you through! 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

The Embarrassing Child Screaming in Costco Dilemma

I would never be that parent!

At least that's what I thought.

This was my second child and my oldest girl (who was 5 by this point) would never have thought of throwing a screaming tantrum in a store. I thought I had it covered. I knew how to deal with these kind of situations. I dealt with them before they happened. I never gave in so they would understand that they don't get what they want all the time. I just wasn't that screaming child parent. 

Until my son came along...... He was three years old at this point in his little life. 

We were casually shopping in Costco (which is always their favorite place because of the snacks). We were walking the aisles like we would normally do. We love to spend extra time in Costco looking at all the fun things they have. My daughter is walking along the cart and my son is in the basket. My son asked for a toy and like I normally would I told him that he can look at it and hold it but he has to put it back because we weren't going to be buying it. He looked at it for a minute or so, then I went to put it back on the shelf. He started to get upset. I reminded him that we aren't buying it and I told him that when I let him hold the toy.

 It continued to escalate from there.

He started crying louder and louder. I tried the talking approach, didn't work. I tried the ignoring approach but that did nothing. I tried the loving approach, didn't help at all. I even tried to bribe him at this point, no change (normally one of the first three would have helped).

So I told him that we were going to have to leave the store if he didn't stop crying. It got worse so I left my ex husband with my daughter and I started carrying my son through Costco out to the car. 

It was so embarrassing to be that mother walking through a store with a screaming child. Everyone was looking at us, of course. 

Then, to extend the level of embarrassment that I am already enduring he starts slapping my face. Luckily, we were exiting the door. I held his hands down so he couldn't slap me anymore. It was so humiliating. When we got to the car, I strapped him into his car seat so I could take a breather before talking to him. He immediately calmed down as I climbed into the front seat. I turned on the car and the A/C to cool down. Then he started the sad cry and just kept saying, "I'm sorry mommy," over and over. It made my heart melt. So when we were both fully calmed down I turned towards the back seat to talk to him. We talked about what he did wrong and how he can handle calming down the next time this happens (better not be a next time). He apologized and I took him out of his car seat so we could hug and give kisses. 

So far, this has been the first and last time I have had a screaming child in a store. Not that I judged mom's that have gone through this before, usually I just feel for them. But after this I had a whole new understanding of what those mother's have gone through. 

So I commend all those mother's of a screaming child!

Strength be with you :)

Proverbs 29:17
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.