The Truth Behind Divorce

The big "D" word, 

and it is just that. 

It is the biggest decision in your life. The one that will alter all of your past and your future. It will change everything from the way you live, your children, and the way people around treat you.

My ex husband and I got together when I was 17 years old. I never really had a chance to be me or figure out what I really wanted. I just knew I always wanted to be married and have children so I just jumped in. We had two beautiful children. I had been having thoughts of leaving for many years that I had suppressed. I had even brought it up to him many times but he never took it seriously. 

Around the 12 year mark I was fully involved in our church. I was the leader of an Awana group, I was a leader in the youth group and I was going to weekly bible studies. Working in the youth group was the best time in my life. Learning (I say that because they are the ones that taught me so much) with such wonderful young people was so very amazing. We went to summer camps and even a mission trip to Costa Rica. Some amazing things happened in that time in my life. Except my life at home. I felt like I was doing these things to please God for sure but also so I didn't have to be home in the evenings. I tried to skip past talks of marriage with my students because I didn't want to lie to anyone and I didn't know what to say.

I spent time paying attention to other marriages that had gone through a divorce and they seemed happy. I wanted to be happy in that area too. I just didn't know the sacrifice I would have to make with the happiness I already had in all the other areas in my life. 

One day I had had enough and I left. I moved in with my mom. Things just went from bad to worse through the divorce process. It wasn't easy at all. It was quite ugly.

The kids are always the ones that suffer the most.
It has been a hard thing for them to split their time between two parents, two houses, two bedrooms and two neighborhoods. It's hard for school as well. They want to take toys they are interested in back and forth so they take them to school with them every week (this must be embarrassing for them). They do the same with clothes if they have something specific that they want to wear. School papers and announcements don't always get to each parent (even though the school tries really hard). It's hard to plan extra curricular activities and vacations. Everything is mapped out on my calendar for scheduling. These things are not easy tasks. The kids have stayed positive through all of it. They are such loving children and we talk a lot. We always keep communication going and I'm always asking how they are feeling and holding up. They seem to be doing well but this will always make their life a little more difficult.

Family is the next thing to be affected.
The whole family is broken. From family that might have taken you in and stood by you in hard times. To cousins that are no longer cousins. Family trips that are no longer yours. You don't realize these things in the process. You don't think about the other people you will lose. People you have loved, people you have cried on the shoulder of and people that have been there for you.

Friends? You really find out who those are during something like this. Most people don't know how to handle people going through a divorce (which is understandable) but you really need friends to stand by you instead of being scared and staying away. You need friends to call you up and spend time with you. Most of my friends disappeared. 

That's where the church comes in.
I love my church. I still go to this church but nobody here knew how to handle it either. I left the church for a while and during this time I had maybe two or three people try to talk to me through Facebook. My pastor/friend called multiple times but I wasn't ready to talk to him. Friends I had been going to bible study with, for 3 years, just stopped talking to me besides the normal greeting when we see each other at the store. It felt like I was poisoned and nobody wanted to be around me. Like maybe the divorce might rub off on them. 

How did I handle it?

Not well that's for sure. I started going out drinking all the time. The friends I met at the bar made me feel normal. It wasn't like the people I had called my friends for so long that were scared to be around me. These people accepted me for where I was and just worried about me during the process to make sure the kids and I were doing well. I had started to feel accepted but I was also missing something. I had pulled away from God. From the peace and happiness he had been bestowing on my life. I started to fall into a depression full of guilt. I was in a completely different lifestyle in a matter of weeks and it was really hard to get adjusted to. I had uprooted myself from the comfort of my home and I brought my kids along with me (I tried to make things as normal as possible for the kids when they were with me). I pretended that, that was the life I wanted. I had even convinced myself that I didn't need God anymore. I was falling apart a little at a time and telling myself it was okay and normal to be this way. 

What did I learn?

Well, I met my wonderful husband a little while after, which he has been a huge blessing. He has walked with me through the ups and downs of this process. He has stood by the kids and I's side and supported us when things got difficult. He has been my rock. 

What I have learned in this process is divorce is never the option and it will always make things harder(unless you are being abused than that's a different story). You will think it's the only option but it's not. The precious lives of children are not worth altering.  Your own sanity isn't worth altering. I have had people come to me hoping that I would tell them that it was okay to get a divorce and I tell them the opposite. I hope that I am not one of those people that someone looks at saying that I'm happy so they will be too. That's a lie!
Yes, I am happy.
I love my husband!
We have so much love between us and a wonderful life with three beautiful children, but it is the opposite of easy. Every other week that Monday comes when the kids have to go back to their dad's and it's so hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye and not see them for a week. It's hard to know that I won't be there to tuck them into bed at night and kiss them in the morning. It's hard to think about the experiences that I won't be a part of. The things they do that they have to remember to tell me about next week. I miss them tremendously every day they are gone.

It's hard on our little one when she has to say goodbye to them all the time. She cries a lot for her Bubba and her Sis-sis. She has trouble sleeping in her room without her Sis-sis. Sometimes we have vacations or trips to places that they aren't able to go on (we can't always control what week activities fall on). Sometimes there are field trips that I can't attend. I miss things, a lot of things. I'm not there for experiences in their lives. I'm not there as a full time mother any longer. There have been so many difficult parts of this that nobody actually fully understands unless they have walked it. But I tell you today not to walk that way. Don't take that direction. It's not worth it. There is always a way to fix a marriage and you will always come to a time of difficulty if you let it.

There is a reason that God has the perfect plan for marriage. When we don't go by his plan then we are the ones that get hurt and we hurt a lot of other people in process. Just look at our hurting world around us. Look at all the hurting people. If we would just live the lives that God designed for us so many things would be different.

Work on your marriages.
Build your Love for one another.
Spend time together.
Do whatever is possible and lean on God to help walk you through! 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

The Embarrassing Child Screaming in Costco Dilemma

I would never be that parent!

At least that's what I thought.

This was my second child and my oldest girl (who was 5 by this point) would never have thought of throwing a screaming tantrum in a store. I thought I had it covered. I knew how to deal with these kind of situations. I dealt with them before they happened. I never gave in so they would understand that they don't get what they want all the time. I just wasn't that screaming child parent. 

Until my son came along...... He was three years old at this point in his little life. 

We were casually shopping in Costco (which is always their favorite place because of the snacks). We were walking the aisles like we would normally do. We love to spend extra time in Costco looking at all the fun things they have. My daughter is walking along the cart and my son is in the basket. My son asked for a toy and like I normally would I told him that he can look at it and hold it but he has to put it back because we weren't going to be buying it. He looked at it for a minute or so, then I went to put it back on the shelf. He started to get upset. I reminded him that we aren't buying it and I told him that when I let him hold the toy.

 It continued to escalate from there.

He started crying louder and louder. I tried the talking approach, didn't work. I tried the ignoring approach but that did nothing. I tried the loving approach, didn't help at all. I even tried to bribe him at this point, no change (normally one of the first three would have helped).

So I told him that we were going to have to leave the store if he didn't stop crying. It got worse so I left my ex husband with my daughter and I started carrying my son through Costco out to the car. 

It was so embarrassing to be that mother walking through a store with a screaming child. Everyone was looking at us, of course. 

Then, to extend the level of embarrassment that I am already enduring he starts slapping my face. Luckily, we were exiting the door. I held his hands down so he couldn't slap me anymore. It was so humiliating. When we got to the car, I strapped him into his car seat so I could take a breather before talking to him. He immediately calmed down as I climbed into the front seat. I turned on the car and the A/C to cool down. Then he started the sad cry and just kept saying, "I'm sorry mommy," over and over. It made my heart melt. So when we were both fully calmed down I turned towards the back seat to talk to him. We talked about what he did wrong and how he can handle calming down the next time this happens (better not be a next time). He apologized and I took him out of his car seat so we could hug and give kisses. 

So far, this has been the first and last time I have had a screaming child in a store. Not that I judged mom's that have gone through this before, usually I just feel for them. But after this I had a whole new understanding of what those mother's have gone through. 

So I commend all those mother's of a screaming child!

Strength be with you :)

Proverbs 29:17
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Why I want another baby!

Another BABY?

Why in the world would I want another baby?

As a kid I always knew I wanted a lot of children. I just love little ones. From middle of the night wakings to learning to throw a ball and even to the tantrums that you try not to laugh at.

Of course life brings changes. Some things just happen and some are by choices we make. Only God knows the real out come of our lives. 

I want my children to grow up in a family with a lot of brothers and sisters. I tell my kids all the time to be kind to one another because they will always be in each other's lives and they will always be family. I love to hear them playing together and enjoying each other. 

When we are old!

Think about it? Later in life our home will be filled with so much love. It will be full of our children and grand children running around playing and getting into mischief. I just think about it and look forward to those days in the future and it makes me smile. 

Entertainment Centers!

They are the best entertainment centers. My kids love to entertain each other. They play together with all of their free time. They hardly ever fight (it does happen, just not that often). I just look in their rooms while I'm making dinner and watch them playing Lego's together or reading on their bean bags. It just makes my heart soar.

The rough world!

This world is getting worse everyday. I worry about the world they are being brought up into. There are so many things that I don't want my kids to be exposed to that they are now learning in school at a very young age. I try my best to protect my kids from all the harmful things in this world, while teaching them the real issues going on today. I wish we lived in a better, safer, and morally sound world but we don't. So It's up to us parents to raise children with these values and the love of God so they can take it out into the world and change it.

Plus it's biblical....lol

Psalm 127:3-5
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

So to sum it up, yes I would like to have more children. The amount? As many as my husband will allow me to have. Do I care if people look at me strange when I have three children already? No! Everyone has their own opinion on this matter. So for those of you not wanting children, or wanting only one or two. I say that is wonderful. Enjoy your life, no matter how large your family!