The Fear behind a Molar Pregnancy

So, once again I wasn't going to write about this.

 I woke up this morning thinking about meeting with my pastor, not putting this on my blog.

Then, I thought about the fact that I started this blog knowing that I would be putting myself out there.

I would be putting all of the situations that I go through on here to hopefully help someone else.

We are only on this earth for a short time. 

God gave us each other to help walk through our trials. 

He gave us the things we go through, not to keep to ourselves, but to share.  

I'm scared! 

That's really all there is to it.

That's what happens when you hear some sort of diagnosis that has scary possibilities.

My miscarriage and D&C was about a month ago and I finally was able to get into the doctor yesterday. It took what felt like forever because of the holiday's and my doctor getting emergency surgery. So, I go in and meet with a new doctor and she tells me that all my tests came back fine but I had a Molar Pregnancy that they discovered during the procedure. I had only heard of the word before and had no idea what it meant. She told me basics in the office and that I needed to come in every month for 6 months for a blood test and it's very important that we don't get pregnant during that time. I wasn't too worried because she didn't seem worried (but it's her job not to freak me out).

When I got home and talked with my husband about it, he encouraged me (like he does in his amazing, loving way). He also told me not to look it up online. I didn't listen.

Here are the basics to a Molar Pregnancy in my words from research I have done online:

1. Molar Pregnancy is when the "tissue" that would become a baby becomes an abnormal growth in your uterus. A tumor. 

2. There are two different kinds of Molar Pregnancy's. I had a complete Molar pregnancy (the worst one).

3. Out of 1000 cases of complete molar pregnancy, 150-200 develop trophoblastic disease that keeps growing after the tissue is removed according to Web MD. 

4. Traces of the Molar Pregnancy can begin to grow again and may posses a cancerous threat. 

5. In a few cases, trophoblastic disease turns into cancer. In rare cases, the abnormal tissue can spread to other parts of the body. 

6. Almost all women who get this cancer are cured with treatment like Chemotherapy and possible radiation. 

7. Early detection and being monitored closely by your doctor is essential. 

No pregnancy for 6 months.

That seems so long for someone already hoping to get pregnant. 

Yes, I am happy that all my test results came back fine.

I'm happy I already have been blessed with 3 beautiful children.

I have a wonderful husband 

and a beautiful life. 

But........

We have really been hoping and praying for another child and this just puts one more thing into the equation. 

It may seem small to some of you but to me it isn't. It feels huge. Yes, I can go through this time and everything will be okay. There will be no more growth and after 6 months we can try again. 

Or....

There could be more growth and it could be more serious. 

Will it ever stop?

I feel like the difficulties just won't stop. 

They just keep flowing into our lives and pouring out more pain.

I was in our daughter's room last night when they were sleeping and I was thinking of course this wasn't just a normal miscarriage. Of course it is something way more serious and scary. 

I deserve this for all the things I have done.

My life WILL never be normal.

The problems will just keep coming.

I'm sure I will end up with the worst case scenario, I deserve it.

What's next?

What more can happen in our lives?

How much more pain can we handle?

Can we please have a break?

This morning when I woke up I just didn't know how to feel about it.

I'm really scared and

I want to encourage others with my stories but I just don't know how to encourage anyone with this one. I didn't know what to say.  I just wanted to meet with my pastor and have the church pray for us. 

Then this post came up on Facebook from KLove and it was this verse:

Don't be afraid, 

For I am with you.

Don't be discouraged, 

For I am your God.

I will strengthen 

you and help you.

I will hold you up with

my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Do I blame God for all the bad things that happen?

No!

The thought crosses my mind but I know better. 

I know I'm not being punished because he loves us and wants the best for us. 

I can look back at my life and see so many times that he could've punished me, if he was a God that punished his children. I have done so many wrong things. I have walked so many wrong paths. I wouldn't have so many blessings if that were true. 

God only gives us what he knows we can handle. 

Some of us go through really difficult situations and some of us don't get very many. Sometimes we have long seasons of difficulties and sometimes they are short. 

But...

He only gives us what we can handle, no more. God lets situations to happen to grow us weather it's a good or bad situation. It's all a growth opportunity. How you respond and use your situation, that's up to you. 

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

Miscarriage: The Raw, Heartbreaking, Painful Experience (Warning! This will be a bit gross)

It's 3 am and I can't sleep. 

My youngest daughter and my husband are all cozy in our bed and I can't quiet my mind. I didn't even know if I would ever write about this but with the recent loss I just need somewhere to put my feelings on this very heartbreaking event. This painful experience is very current and raw to me and I hope I will be able to put my feelings down correctly.

I believe the subject of miscarriage isn't talked about very often. I believe that when women experience a miscarriage it's so hurtful and embarrassing that they rarely tell anyone especially if they have had more than one. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold much back. I think we are all human and the experiences that God has given us are a way to help others. If we don't talk about it then we can't help each other.

I'm hurting right now. Bottom line is a miscarriage is hurtful weather you chose to get pregnant or weather it was a surprise. I believe that in some way you will carry it for the rest of your life. Here is our story:

September of 2015, about a year ago, we found out I was pregnant. We didn't want to get pregnant at that time. We were on birth control, our daughter was only a year old and we were going through a very hard time. It wasn't the right time at all. We love children and wanted more children in the future but right then was just a hard season. We didn't tell very many people but we did tell our children and a couple of people closest to us. We were going to wait until after our first doctors appointment to tell the world with our sonogram pictures. The first appointment came and they did the ultrasound and couldn't find a heartbeat. My heart sank. I have three healthy children, how could this happen? Maybe it was a mistake? They scheduled another ultrasound at the hospital. My husband couldn't make it to this one because of work so I was on my own. The ultrasound tech was so kind and got a very kind older doctor to reveal to me the definite truth about our baby. Our baby wasn't alive. He explained that his wife had a miscarriage when they were younger and went on to have four healthy children. Everyone wants you to feel like it's not your fault but you feel like it is anyways. They go over your options to have a D&C procedure to have all the tissue removed. Tissue? It's my baby!

 I had wished my husband was able to come along. It was hurtful, embarrassing and I felt alone that day. My husband wished he was there and was so amazing when he got home, he just loved on me. We decided not to do any medical procedures and to let my body do what it was supposed to naturally. 

Everything we had seen in movies didn't prepare us for what was about to happen. 

I started bleeding on the 11th of September. I was very crampy and in pain during this time. We consider me to actually miscarry on the 23rd. It was not a sit on the toilet, over and done thing (I'm sure some people do have this experience but not I). We dropped our kids off at Awana's and as we got home I started extreme cramping and I started passing huge blood clots. It lasted for a couple of hours. Every time one came out I wondered if it was our baby but I couldn't tell. I had never seen this much blood or this big of blood clots in my life.  My husband was so helpful and got me whatever I needed, he's such an amazing man and supporter. He is always strong for me when I need him to be. 

The pain and bleeding wouldn't stop. I got in the shower thinking this might help. It didn't. Nothing helped. My husband picked up the kids from Awana's and got them in bed that night as I was still going through the pain of losing our child. I was weak from losing so much blood. I kept wondering if a person could lose this much blood and live. I don't remember what time it stopped but eventually the cramping subsided enough to crawl into bed and sleep. 

The next two weeks were still rough. I kept bleeding and ever so often would have a time of clots again. I wondered if this would ever end. Would I ever get passed this? The bleeding stopped for a short time and we thought, finally it's over. But every couple of days I would start up again and have the extreme cramping but it would only last about an hour or so. We finally decided to make a doctors appointment. They discovered that there was still some "tissue"left in me that needed to be removed. On Saturday October 10th I had a procedure that I never thought I would have. I had a D&C. I had never had surgery or been put out so that part was scary. My husband and I were glad we decided on this route instead of waiting it out. We were glad it was finally over. It had been a really long, rough month. We just wanted to heal. 

It was tough to tell our kids. To explain that sometimes this happens. It's such a hard thing to explain to children that sometimes babies don't survive. I think it hurt our son the most because he was hoping for a little brother to have in his room and teach Legos. 

In the coming months it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant. It seemed like announcements were going up all around Facebook. It hurt every time. I saw women that were growing in their pregnancy and I thought about how far along I would've been. I would see babies and be so jealous of those women. This went on for a few months. I kept the pain inside. I didn't even fully explain my feelings to my husband (even though he probably already knew). 

A year later......

A few months ago, my husband and I, decided to expand our family and try for another baby. We were so excited. We did everything right. I started on Prenatals, I stopped drinking alcohol and started eating better.  At first we just let things happen as they did but then a couple of months went by and we still weren't pregnant so we started tracking my ovulation and the next month we found out we were expecting. 

We were so excited but not as excited as when we had our daughter. This time there was a cloud hanging over our heads. Would it happen again? Would we have to go through that pain again? We didn't tell anyone. We didn't tell our children, we didn't want them to go through the loss again. We kept it to ourselves. We rarely talked about it. It wasn't like our 2 year old. When we were pregnant with her we told the whole world right away. We read books and had every pregnancy app on our phones. We followed so closely. 

I finally gave in and added some pregnancy apps to my phone. I thought as time went on that there's no way that this would happen again. The first time we were on birth control so we blamed that for the miscarriage, but this time we did everything right. I would start to get excited and then remind myself not to get excited until after the ultrasound. The weeks dragged on and on. I wanted to tell people but we just couldn't. We would have a conversation about having a new little one but stop it short. I would watch videos of babies and look forward to having a new little one of our own. The closer it got to the doctors appointment the more we talked about it. I just kept thinking there's no way this is going to happen again, it's so rare. 

Our little girl is obsessed with babies and she will do everything baby. When she sees a baby, even if it's in a picture she puts her arms out and says, "Hold baby?" She plays with her babies at home all day long and anytime we go to the store she wants to see the baby toys. I was so excited because the time was coming where we could explain to her that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. I couldn't wait to tell our two oldest children, they were going to be so excited. Skyler would look forward to having a baby brother. We planned it out. We had a family trip coming up and they were coming back from their dad's on Tuesday, so we would tell them then, the day before our trip. We decided that we would do family pictures that day so we could take fun pregnancy announcement pictures to post on Facebook after we told our family on Thanksgiving. 

The day finally came for our doctors appointment.

 Last night I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep, every scenario went through my head and I was so filled with fluctuating emotions. The day went so slow. I would get excited but then remind myself that I can't get excited until after the ultrasound, but really I was excited. This wouldn't happen again, right? We are going to be able to tell everyone and start planning for our sweet little family addition.  My mind had been full of worry, doubt, happiness, excitement and fear. I went to a Thanksgiving feast at my son's school and on my way home I just started praying. I don't know if any of you have felt God speak to you before but it's hard to describe. It's this feeling that comes over you, a knowing. I had this as I was praying for our appointment coming up in just a few hours. It was a feeling that everything will be okay. I felt at peace. God just told me that our baby would survive. I still had worry in the back of my mind though but it felt different. 

The drive to the doctors office felt like forever. The doctor took forever to come in and then it took forever to get to the ultrasound part. 

Right away I knew something was wrong. 

The second the picture came up, the first glance, there was no baby. The sac was there but with nothing inside. I laid back down and watched the doctors face. I could tell by the look of his face what he was going to say.  My heart sank. My husbands face showed the same thing my heart was feeling. This can't be happening again. We did everything right. Our two year old, that was in my husbands arms and was just jabbering, was suddenly quiet. She even knew something was wrong. The doctor gave us his apologies and left the room to give us a little time. I broke. I can't believe it. I thought God told me that our baby was okay? What did he mean? God, are you even real? Am I being punished for all the wrong things I have done? Do you want me to experience every kind of hurtful experience in this life? Why? What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why did our baby die? Why is this happening again?

My husband, the amazing, strong man that he is just held me and reassured me that it wasn't my fault and we would try again. He gave me hope for our future. He said all the right things even though I know he was hurting too. He lost his little baby, maybe even his son. I know his heart was breaking as well but my husband just knew that I needed him. I'm so blessed to have this wonderful man by my side. 

Our little girl just laid her head on her daddy's chest and watched with sad eyes. She didn't know what was going on but she knew something was making mommy very sad. She had no idea that she just lost her little baby too. The little baby that I had pictured her being so excited to hold. Her very own baby brother or sister that she can hold anytime she wanted. 

My husband and I decided that we didn't want to go through what we went through the last time, especially with our family trip coming up. We made an appointment for a D&C with the doctor. 

We left that doctors office hand in hand with our hearts breaking. 

The world continues on....

Nothing stops, even if it stopped for us.

Our world was crushed and nobody knew.

We had my Brother in Law's football game about 2 hours out of town that night and we started our journey. It was not filled with excitement and joy of singing songs on the radio. The drive was filled with thoughts of loss and tears. 

I know everyone has had a different experience and has different feelings on this tragedy. I also know there are people that have lost their babies later in pregnancy or after the baby is born. My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a child. I can't imagine the amount of pain of losing a child you have held in your arms.

Earlier, when I was explaining my doubts in my time of pain, I said, "Is God even real?". In times of pain and confusion isn't this what a lot of us do? Isn't it easy to let our doubts in? I don't know what God's plan is for us. I don't even know if he is going to allow us to have more children. But I do know that I may have taken what he said wrong. I took it as our baby would survive, but what he really gave me was peace that everything would be okay. I'm hurting and I want to know why but I'm not going to find out why this side of Heaven. I will always have doubts. I'm already worrying about the future. Will it happen again? Will we go through the 9 long weeks then be crushed again? But, like my husband said, "this doesn't mean we stop trying". We might just have to go through this again but it's something I'm willing to do. I don't know what kind of loss or pain will be coming and I don't know what the future holds.

One thing I do know, (as my tears fall upon this computer) that we have two beautiful babies in Heaven waiting for us. 

No, we didn't get to enjoy them here on earth but one day we will meet them. 

One day we will hug them, our children will hug their brothers or sisters, but for now they are with Jesus. 

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 

Pulling The Plug (The Pacifier is the Plug)

When you have a baby you have the decision to use a pacifier or to not use one. 

I think both of these decisions make things hard. 

The parents that don't use one might have it a bit harder while they have babies but they don't ever have to take it away.

When my kids were babies they wanted to suck on something and instead of using me we gave them a pacifier. It comforted them and helped them sleep, but it makes it hard now because they got attached to it. 

Our little girl is so very attached to her Gring, Gring (what she calls her pacifier). She only uses it when she is sleeping, unless she is sick then she has it a bit more often. We don't give it to her in public and she doesn't walk around playing or in a store with it. 

There is nothing against that, some people do give their kids one in public and that's okay, every parent has to do what they have to do.

Lately, our little girl has been sick a lot. She has only had a couple of days well in between sicknesses (there are a lot of flu's going around where we live). So, she has had her pacifier a lot more than usual. Needless to say she was getting more and more attached to it. She was asking for it in the car, on bike rides and in the store. We realized it was time to be done with it. I wanted to wait until she was better to take it from her but it just seems like she kept being sick and there was never a right time. 

Sooooooo.....

We decided yesterday to take it away. I waited until my husband got home from work so we could talk to her together. That was so she knew we were both on the same page and she couldn't go to him to ask him for it later. We sat her down and told her that she is a big girl now and she doesn't need a pacifier. Just like Sissy and Bubba, they don't use a pacifier. We told her it was time for it to be all gone and she is going to throw it away in the garbage. 

She said okay and threw it in the garbage then went around playing for the evening. I made sure to take the garbage out in front of her so that she knew it was gone for sure. 

Bedtime came, and as she was snuggling daddy, she looked at me and asked for her gring gring. Then her face changed as she realized where it was. She started to cry, it was such a heartbreaking cry. These situations are such a hard thing to watch as her parents. But I took her into bed and tucked her in. When she said, "gring gring, throw away," I just reminded her that she is a big girl and doesn't need it anymore. I got her all her babies and tucked them in around her, kissed her and left the room. 

We were prepared for a really rough night. She cried a couple of times but then just fell asleep. 

We were surprised for sure.

She only woke up one time asking for her gring gring, (usually she would wake up multiple times for me to get her pacifier for her in the night). I just told her it was okay and that I would sit with her. It only took her like 3 minutes to fall asleep. 

Of course, we will see how nap time goes today and how this evening goes but it's been pretty easy so far.

As parents sometimes we have to do hard things for our kids that end up being a good thing. Those decisions start with potty training, taking the pacifier away, teaching them that the oven is hot to things that become harder when they are teenagers.  When they are teenagers we say no to things that will make them very upset at us but that's because we are their parents and we know better. God blessed us with our children to raise them up and teach them right from wrong. We are older and we have already gone through most of those lessons. 

As mother and father we need to stand together and let our children know that we are on the same page. We need to let them know what we expect from them and stand firm when they try to tip us over. This ranges from the difficulties of a temper tantrum from a 2 year old to a 15 year old. Children need us to raise them up according to God's word. They need discipline and structure no matter what stage they are in.

Life is hard! 

Do the best to your ability and know that God gave you your children because he knew you  could handle it. He gave you all the skills to manage and to fight the good fight. 

Keep it up parents!

Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

The Truth Behind Divorce

The big "D" word, 

and it is just that. 

It is the biggest decision in your life. The one that will alter all of your past and your future. It will change everything from the way you live, your children, and the way people around treat you.

My ex husband and I got together when I was 17 years old. I never really had a chance to be me or figure out what I really wanted. I just knew I always wanted to be married and have children so I just jumped in. We had two beautiful children. I had been having thoughts of leaving for many years that I had suppressed. I had even brought it up to him many times but he never took it seriously. 

Around the 12 year mark I was fully involved in our church. I was the leader of an Awana group, I was a leader in the youth group and I was going to weekly bible studies. Working in the youth group was the best time in my life. Learning (I say that because they are the ones that taught me so much) with such wonderful young people was so very amazing. We went to summer camps and even a mission trip to Costa Rica. Some amazing things happened in that time in my life. Except my life at home. I felt like I was doing these things to please God for sure but also so I didn't have to be home in the evenings. I tried to skip past talks of marriage with my students because I didn't want to lie to anyone and I didn't know what to say.

I spent time paying attention to other marriages that had gone through a divorce and they seemed happy. I wanted to be happy in that area too. I just didn't know the sacrifice I would have to make with the happiness I already had in all the other areas in my life. 

One day I had had enough and I left. I moved in with my mom. Things just went from bad to worse through the divorce process. It wasn't easy at all. It was quite ugly.

The kids are always the ones that suffer the most.
It has been a hard thing for them to split their time between two parents, two houses, two bedrooms and two neighborhoods. It's hard for school as well. They want to take toys they are interested in back and forth so they take them to school with them every week (this must be embarrassing for them). They do the same with clothes if they have something specific that they want to wear. School papers and announcements don't always get to each parent (even though the school tries really hard). It's hard to plan extra curricular activities and vacations. Everything is mapped out on my calendar for scheduling. These things are not easy tasks. The kids have stayed positive through all of it. They are such loving children and we talk a lot. We always keep communication going and I'm always asking how they are feeling and holding up. They seem to be doing well but this will always make their life a little more difficult.

Family is the next thing to be affected.
The whole family is broken. From family that might have taken you in and stood by you in hard times. To cousins that are no longer cousins. Family trips that are no longer yours. You don't realize these things in the process. You don't think about the other people you will lose. People you have loved, people you have cried on the shoulder of and people that have been there for you.

Friends? You really find out who those are during something like this. Most people don't know how to handle people going through a divorce (which is understandable) but you really need friends to stand by you instead of being scared and staying away. You need friends to call you up and spend time with you. Most of my friends disappeared. 

That's where the church comes in.
I love my church. I still go to this church but nobody here knew how to handle it either. I left the church for a while and during this time I had maybe two or three people try to talk to me through Facebook. My pastor/friend called multiple times but I wasn't ready to talk to him. Friends I had been going to bible study with, for 3 years, just stopped talking to me besides the normal greeting when we see each other at the store. It felt like I was poisoned and nobody wanted to be around me. Like maybe the divorce might rub off on them. 

How did I handle it?

Not well that's for sure. I started going out drinking all the time. The friends I met at the bar made me feel normal. It wasn't like the people I had called my friends for so long that were scared to be around me. These people accepted me for where I was and just worried about me during the process to make sure the kids and I were doing well. I had started to feel accepted but I was also missing something. I had pulled away from God. From the peace and happiness he had been bestowing on my life. I started to fall into a depression full of guilt. I was in a completely different lifestyle in a matter of weeks and it was really hard to get adjusted to. I had uprooted myself from the comfort of my home and I brought my kids along with me (I tried to make things as normal as possible for the kids when they were with me). I pretended that, that was the life I wanted. I had even convinced myself that I didn't need God anymore. I was falling apart a little at a time and telling myself it was okay and normal to be this way. 

What did I learn?

Well, I met my wonderful husband a little while after, which he has been a huge blessing. He has walked with me through the ups and downs of this process. He has stood by the kids and I's side and supported us when things got difficult. He has been my rock. 

What I have learned in this process is divorce is never the option and it will always make things harder(unless you are being abused than that's a different story). You will think it's the only option but it's not. The precious lives of children are not worth altering.  Your own sanity isn't worth altering. I have had people come to me hoping that I would tell them that it was okay to get a divorce and I tell them the opposite. I hope that I am not one of those people that someone looks at saying that I'm happy so they will be too. That's a lie!
Yes, I am happy.
I love my husband!
We have so much love between us and a wonderful life with three beautiful children, but it is the opposite of easy. Every other week that Monday comes when the kids have to go back to their dad's and it's so hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye and not see them for a week. It's hard to know that I won't be there to tuck them into bed at night and kiss them in the morning. It's hard to think about the experiences that I won't be a part of. The things they do that they have to remember to tell me about next week. I miss them tremendously every day they are gone.

It's hard on our little one when she has to say goodbye to them all the time. She cries a lot for her Bubba and her Sis-sis. She has trouble sleeping in her room without her Sis-sis. Sometimes we have vacations or trips to places that they aren't able to go on (we can't always control what week activities fall on). Sometimes there are field trips that I can't attend. I miss things, a lot of things. I'm not there for experiences in their lives. I'm not there as a full time mother any longer. There have been so many difficult parts of this that nobody actually fully understands unless they have walked it. But I tell you today not to walk that way. Don't take that direction. It's not worth it. There is always a way to fix a marriage and you will always come to a time of difficulty if you let it.

There is a reason that God has the perfect plan for marriage. When we don't go by his plan then we are the ones that get hurt and we hurt a lot of other people in process. Just look at our hurting world around us. Look at all the hurting people. If we would just live the lives that God designed for us so many things would be different.

Work on your marriages.
Build your Love for one another.
Spend time together.
Do whatever is possible and lean on God to help walk you through! 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

The Embarrassing Child Screaming in Costco Dilemma

I would never be that parent!

At least that's what I thought.

This was my second child and my oldest girl (who was 5 by this point) would never have thought of throwing a screaming tantrum in a store. I thought I had it covered. I knew how to deal with these kind of situations. I dealt with them before they happened. I never gave in so they would understand that they don't get what they want all the time. I just wasn't that screaming child parent. 

Until my son came along...... He was three years old at this point in his little life. 

We were casually shopping in Costco (which is always their favorite place because of the snacks). We were walking the aisles like we would normally do. We love to spend extra time in Costco looking at all the fun things they have. My daughter is walking along the cart and my son is in the basket. My son asked for a toy and like I normally would I told him that he can look at it and hold it but he has to put it back because we weren't going to be buying it. He looked at it for a minute or so, then I went to put it back on the shelf. He started to get upset. I reminded him that we aren't buying it and I told him that when I let him hold the toy.

 It continued to escalate from there.

He started crying louder and louder. I tried the talking approach, didn't work. I tried the ignoring approach but that did nothing. I tried the loving approach, didn't help at all. I even tried to bribe him at this point, no change (normally one of the first three would have helped).

So I told him that we were going to have to leave the store if he didn't stop crying. It got worse so I left my ex husband with my daughter and I started carrying my son through Costco out to the car. 

It was so embarrassing to be that mother walking through a store with a screaming child. Everyone was looking at us, of course. 

Then, to extend the level of embarrassment that I am already enduring he starts slapping my face. Luckily, we were exiting the door. I held his hands down so he couldn't slap me anymore. It was so humiliating. When we got to the car, I strapped him into his car seat so I could take a breather before talking to him. He immediately calmed down as I climbed into the front seat. I turned on the car and the A/C to cool down. Then he started the sad cry and just kept saying, "I'm sorry mommy," over and over. It made my heart melt. So when we were both fully calmed down I turned towards the back seat to talk to him. We talked about what he did wrong and how he can handle calming down the next time this happens (better not be a next time). He apologized and I took him out of his car seat so we could hug and give kisses. 

So far, this has been the first and last time I have had a screaming child in a store. Not that I judged mom's that have gone through this before, usually I just feel for them. But after this I had a whole new understanding of what those mother's have gone through. 

So I commend all those mother's of a screaming child!

Strength be with you :)

Proverbs 29:17
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Why I want another baby!

Another BABY?

Why in the world would I want another baby?

As a kid I always knew I wanted a lot of children. I just love little ones. From middle of the night wakings to learning to throw a ball and even to the tantrums that you try not to laugh at.

Of course life brings changes. Some things just happen and some are by choices we make. Only God knows the real out come of our lives. 

I want my children to grow up in a family with a lot of brothers and sisters. I tell my kids all the time to be kind to one another because they will always be in each other's lives and they will always be family. I love to hear them playing together and enjoying each other. 

When we are old!

Think about it? Later in life our home will be filled with so much love. It will be full of our children and grand children running around playing and getting into mischief. I just think about it and look forward to those days in the future and it makes me smile. 

Entertainment Centers!

They are the best entertainment centers. My kids love to entertain each other. They play together with all of their free time. They hardly ever fight (it does happen, just not that often). I just look in their rooms while I'm making dinner and watch them playing Lego's together or reading on their bean bags. It just makes my heart soar.

The rough world!

This world is getting worse everyday. I worry about the world they are being brought up into. There are so many things that I don't want my kids to be exposed to that they are now learning in school at a very young age. I try my best to protect my kids from all the harmful things in this world, while teaching them the real issues going on today. I wish we lived in a better, safer, and morally sound world but we don't. So It's up to us parents to raise children with these values and the love of God so they can take it out into the world and change it.

Plus it's biblical....lol

Psalm 127:3-5
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

So to sum it up, yes I would like to have more children. The amount? As many as my husband will allow me to have. Do I care if people look at me strange when I have three children already? No! Everyone has their own opinion on this matter. So for those of you not wanting children, or wanting only one or two. I say that is wonderful. Enjoy your life, no matter how large your family!

Potty Training at 18 months is possible!!

Ahhhh...... don't you all just love potty training?????

With my oldest daughter I worked at a school so I had one week off for Easter break and I thought I would use that to potty train her. She was fully potty trained by the end of the week (except for over night).

My son was a different story. I tried at 20 months and he didn't get it and wasn't totally interested so we took a break. Then started again at 24 months and he picked it up.

Now, our 2 year old picked up quite quickly as well. She was just 18 months. It only took a little over a week.

The secret????

Everyone always asks me how I did it so young and so fast. It was pretty simple. I know some people are against this way of doing it and that's fine. Everyone has their own opinion of how it should be done.

Positive reinforcements!!!

I start with them picking out a potty seat (I don't like the ones on the floor, I want them to feel as big as us so I use the ones that sit on the toilet), fun character undies and pull ups (don't go back to using diapers it will only confuse them). We get mini M&M's and some entertainment. With the first two I had little tables I made and we would play Playdough while on the potty. For the youngest she just loves books so much that I didn't even need a table. I just brought books in with us. I don't use the undies for a bit in the beginning they just go naked until they get it down a little (otherwise you will be washing under wear constantly). We will talk about being a big kid and how everyone else goes on the potty like a big (girl, boy).  Then we get started. YAY!

I just let them roam naked and watch them like a hawk (don't plan on cleaning or doing anything during these days). I take them to the potty every 30 minutes or more depending on how much they are drinking. I give them a lot of fluids so they will have more chances of successes. When there is a #1 they get 3 little candies. When there is a #2 they can put their hand in for a handful (which really with their small hands I think the most my daughter picked up at one time was 7). I had one bag and it lasted so long even with my husband stealing handfuls. I put it in a clear Tupperware so they can see through and when it's gone, it's gone.  Also when they have a success whoever was in the house would run into the bathroom and clap and cheer (that seems to really do it for them, they love the attention). Sometimes for our youngest we would all be in the bathroom even with Grandma over. It was pretty fun for us all.

Going out!

Don't go out anywhere until they get it down enough to have a little control. Give it a couple of days. Then let them wear a pull up but make a point to take them to the potty most places you go so they get comfortable with other potties. I replace the diapers in the diaper bag with the potty seat and take it into every store or restaurant so I'm prepared (you won't have to do this forever).

Don't give up!

The most important thing is to keep at it. I got really frustrated at one point with our youngest because after a couple days she did really good for a day then went backwards. I was talking to my husband about it and he told me just to stick with it and gave me so much encouragement. She was much better the next day and I'm so glad I didn't give up.

Now she is 2 and she hasn't worn a pull up in about 2 months and rarely has an accident at night (only when she was sick). We are so happy that we did this early so we didn't have to do diapers anymore. We are all happier!

 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:13

Working Housewife

A working housewife?

 Does that even make sense? Well, I have only been working 10 hours a week for the last year and a half, so most of the time I am at home. With my older two I worked full-time and that was really hard to balance everything. Sure the money was great but was it worth it? For some of you it is and I'm glad that works for your family. It wasn't for me.

I love my job! 

I do. I have the most rewarding job out of the home. I work at our park district in a small town. I am the only employee and we have volunteers that are on the board that head up all kinds of community events and programs. I actually get paid to help organize these community events (well I mostly do the office work but I help out too). But...........I put in my notice a few weeks ago. I'm staying on for a bit to train the person that they hire. They didn't have anyone in my position when I got hired so I learned a lot and I don't want to leave them hanging when they are so busy organizing events. So I'm just waiting to hear about them hiring someone (which could take a long time because we are such a small town).

I love my kids even more!!

For me my husband and my children are my most important and rewarding job I could ever ask for. I am lucky enough to have a husband that wants me to be at home raising our kids. I think that it's so important for children to have their mothers at home with them.

I know I'm a little old fashion.

At least that is what it feels like in the world today. Years ago all mothers stayed home. I know a lot of women that don't feel that way. They want careers and feel fulfilled with them. I am totally ok with that too. (Remember I worked full-time for years with kids)

I just don't feel that way now. I want to be there anytime my husband or my kids need me.

My kids don't drive me crazy???

A lot of mothers post things on Facebook wishing that summer was over so their kids would go back to school and stop driving them crazy. I am not that mom. I want them with me more often. If they start getting a little stir crazy we just do something else or I send them outside to play.

Our weekends are for fun not work!!!

My husband works long hours. He goes to work at the sawmill at 4:30AM, he gets off that job at 2:30PM. Then he goes to his second job climbing and falling trees until 6PM sometimes later. He is tired! When he gets home all he wants is to have dinner and be able to spend some time with our kids and I before having to go to bed. I do everything around the house including house work, yard work, projects and the normal household chores. I also like to keep a really clean house so this keeps me quite busy. With me not working I feel like I want everything to be done and the house to be nice for him since he works so hard. But... I don't do any of this on the weekends. I do basics like dinner and dishes but for the most part I leave everything (the kids still have to pick up their toys though) so we can focus on our family for the weekend. No matter if that is camping, biking, snow sleding, movie watching or video game playing. I just want the time to be free for us.

What do you think? Do you prefer being a housewife or a working mother? What works for your family?

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.

11 Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. 

12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 

13 She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. 

14 She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar. 

15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. 

16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. 

17 She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. 

18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. 

19 Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. 

20 She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. 

21 She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. 

22 She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. 

23 Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. 

24 She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. 

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 

26 When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. 

27 She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. 

28 Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: 

29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” 

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.

31 Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.