What Are You Not Telling Your Spouse?

Don't tell my husband!

Don't tell my wife!

What they don't know, won't hurt them!

So..........

this is my personal opinion and 

I know a lot of people that don't feel the same way as I do.

Couples use these phrases all the time.

Anytime I hear someone saying them it really bothers me.

It can be something simple like:

A wife buys some new clothes or a coffee in the morning and says, "Don't tell my husband".

A husband purchases a new tool or gets a muffin on the way to work 

and says, "Don't tell my wife."

I have heard this phrase so many times over some really silly things 

and sometimes it's more serious.

I have heard it from family members, friends, and

posts on Facebook.

I have even heard it from pastors.

They are teaching and jokingly say something about their wives

 then say, "Don't tell my wife."

I have heard it from people teaching in bible studies.

I have even heard of a pastor that got a little road rage with his kids in the car so he took them for ice cream to bribe them not to tell their mom.

Yes, most of it is on trivial things.

But, does that really matter?

Should we be keeping things from our spouses?
What are we teaching our children?
It's not really a lie, is it?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about big lies. 
(that's for a whole other blog)
I'm talking about those little things.
The one where the one spouse is hiding a sugar addiction, smoking, purchases that you try to hide (yes, just like all those Facebook posts about hoping the UPS man comes when your husband is away), saying things that they don't want their husband or wife to know about. 
The small lies that we tell ourselves aren't really lies. 

I worked for a while in a small market in my town and while I was there I saw this a lot.
I had this one particular husband that would come in all the time when his wife was out of town.
He would come in, buy cigarettes and two gallons of ice cream.
He would say jokingly that his wife didn't allow those so he took advantage of the luxuries when she was away.

It is lying.

When we keep trivial things from our spouses so easily,

 it can lead to keeping more serious circumstances easily too.

It's true that those trivial things won't always turn into something worse.

But it could.

Are you willing to risk it?

On top of that, you are being disrespectful to your spouse.

How would you feel if you husband or wife could hear you. 

Or walked in the room right when you said that.

They would feel terrible, right?

I would hate that my husband felt he needed to hide things from me.

I would feel terrible that he was saying things about me that he felt I shouldn't know.

It would put a hint of doubt in part of our relationship.

If you can't say it, or do it in front of your spouse then it shouldn't be done.
Period.

Are secrets okay to keep?

By keeping secrets are you seeking the highest and best of God's gift of marriage?

God gave us a partner. A friend. A lover. 
Don't push them away by the small things. 
Strive to tell each other everything.
Strive to be honest at all chances.

Proverbs 12:19

Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

Fighting with your Spouse? Fight Fair, Fight Right!

So I thought of this while

 I was on my hands and knees doing a deep

 scrubbing of my kitchen floor.

When we give our minds a little quiet time we have time to ponder things.

It's kinda unusual for us to have quiet time in this very busy world. 

I take it when I can :)

So, I spent my time thinking about fighting. 

Yes, I actually spent my time thinking about this. But there is a reason.

Yesterday, my husband and I got into a fight. 

You know, not the disagreement type, but the fight type. 
So it was still pretty raw.

There are different types of fighting. 

The disagreement ones,they aren't as bad. You disagree, maybe a slight argument then you come back together with no issues.

But...... the fights are the hard ones. They linger.

At least for us they do so I suspect they do for you as well.

The fight is so bad that it takes a couple days to recover. 

Like a hangover. 

A fight hangover.... ugh ..... the worst.

Then a friend of mine posted a really awesome Facebook post. 

She said that a marriage is not perfect. Love isn't perfect. 

It's so true, it's messy. It's ugly, and sometimes it's hurtful. 

We don't mean to hurt the one we love the most but sometimes it happens. 

We say terrible things that we don't really mean in the heat of an argument.

We treat the love of our lives with disrespect and unkindness.

We should treat our spouses with the same respect as everyone else. You know like the kind where your in the heat of an argument and you can answer the phone and be perfectly fine around others. 

We know how to control our temper when we want to. We just don't want to. 
For most of us we would never treat our friends the same 
way that we treat our spouses. 
So why do we treat the one that's closest to us this way?

We need to enjoy the fact that we get to come home to someone that loves and cares about us. 

Someone that is our friend and partner in life. 

The peace it brings me to know I always have someone on my side. 

Someone always there to hold me when I'm upset. 

Someone to laugh with at the silly things.

Someone to watch our children grow. 

I never have to sit alone, or go to a party alone.

Before marriage you think everything is going to be perfect. 
We aren't going to fight, we're different..........
That's not real life.
Sure, there are people that don't fight as often, then there are the couples that fight a lot. 
When you put two different people in a house together there are bound to be issues. 
Differences. 
We come from different upbringings and we have different likes and dislikes.
You can't go through life thinking that a marriage shouldn't have fighting because that's false thinking.  Thinking like that can make you turn away from your spouse and grow resentment. 
Maybe even say that, maybe you weren't meant to be together. 
Fighting is part of life. You just have to learn the correct way to fight. 
You have to think the best of the one you love.
Stop the thinking that they just want to hurt you,
Because in reality they don't. They love you, just like you love them.

Marriage is work. It's difficult.
But it's also beautiful!
Like I said before, you have security. 
You have love. 
You have someone to snuggle and watch movies with.
Someone to watch football with.
Someone to go on bike rides with.
Someone to go camping with.
Someone to help you.
(for us someone to Pokemon with)
But, most of all someone to Love you!

We are all looking for love. You can tell by all the dating sites out there. All the posts people put on Facebook. The full bars with people looking for love. Yes, some of these ways aren't the right way to look for love or it's looking for the wrong kind of love. 
But, that is everyone's main desire.
Love.
Most people are looking for someone. 
We all want to be 
loved and cared for.  

I have heard a million times to treat your spouse as if you are doing it for the Lord.
For so long I just couldn't grasp that.
I'm still not good at it at all but at least I get the concept.
During a fight you should think about Jesus being right there beside you. Would you be treating your spouse the same? You need to be a servant to the Lord, and bite your tongue, even when you want the last word. 
Give the argument over to God. Some things are not worth fighting for. 
Do it as serving God.
If you feel like your spouse doesn't deserve it then,
look to Jesus instead of your spouse. 
Doing this is an amazing way to honor God.

Learn to take the first step and say your sorry.
Learn how to change the situation by taking the first step to forgiveness.
Learn how to stop the fight before it starts.
Remember that you are a team,
and you have the same goal.

These things are hard for us to remember. My husband and I struggle with this during our arguments.
Sometimes we create the fight. 
We are working on how we argue so we don't turn a disagreement into a full blown fight 
but we struggle with it. 
Some times we do things the wrong way. 
Some times we still fight. 
I believe it takes practice. You have to constantly have it on your mind to be conscious of your response.
Your response is your responsibility!

Also, remember to resolve your conflict.
If you just ignore it then it WILL come back.
Learn how to talk about the issue at hand. 
Talking about our issues and disagreements give us opportunities to grow in our marriage.
So don't give up the opportunity to bring the two of you together. 
Build your team.

Forgiveness, 
is a main ingredient to having a good marriage.
After the fighting you have to forgive your spouse. 
You have to come back together and love one another. 
Don't hold onto resentment.
Let it go. 
 (we can sing the Frozen song now )
Seriously though, Let it go. 
Let Love Shine.

Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another and forgive one another as God has forgiven you through Christ. Ephesians 4:32

Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins. 
Peter 4:8

What is Beautiful?

What is Beautiful?

Where do we look to find beauty?

Magazines? Movies? Friends? God?

What defines your beauty?

Feeling beautiful is such a hard subject for me. 

I have never felt beautiful.

Since I was a kid I was made fun of by multiple classmates. I started wearing make up and really caring about my looks when I hit 7th grade. I got tired of people making fun of me and I wanted to be someone different than who I had been. For me the people around me defined my beauty and still does. I still measure myself against everyone I meet, even women I just pass by in the grocery store. I have been overweight for most of my life, except a few short times. My weight has fluctuated over the years so that has added a lot to how I feel. I always hated my freckles and use make up to cover them as much as possible. I still won't even go out of my house without make up on and I put it on right after I get out of the shower, I workout in make up, I do yard work in make up, most of the time I go to bed with make up because I don't want to look bad, I always have make up on. I don't really like looking in mirrors or taking pictures. I'm constantly self conscious of what others think of me. When I'm out I think people are looking at me and judging me. I don't really like to eat in public because I feel like people will judge me because I am too fat to be eating. Even when people have said I am beautiful I use the excuse that they didn't really mean it. I mean, how bad is that, that I can't even believe other people when they say something nice. 

I can be in a room with other women and I will get so down on myself. I will feel worse and worse the longer I'm there. I compare everything about myself to those around me. I think things like; everyone else is prettier than me, I'm so fat that I shouldn't even be in public, why would anyone even want to look at me, I wish I could lose weight so I can look like them, I wish I had nice legs, I wish I could wear nice clothes and have them look good on me, I just want to be skinny and pretty. 

I'm my own worst critic!

Why do I let the world tell me how I should look?

Why do I feel like I need to look like everyone else to be beautiful?

We live in a society that puts a high degree of importance on physical appearance. It demands us to glamorize ourselves before we are deemed attractive. Our society neglects the other aspects of beauty besides the physical nature of a woman. If you don't look like a model then you are unattractive. We spend so much money on beauty products and surgeries every year and we are still not satisfied with how we look. Young women in their twenties are having surgeries and Botox and just continue to change their looks every chance they get.

What truly makes a woman beautiful?

True beauty comes from within. 
We have all heard this and know it but do we really believe it?

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” 
― Kahlil Gibran

 I found a list of what men think are qualities of a beautiful woman; passion, compassion, confidence, takes care of herself, accepting of her body, her smile, intelligence, optimism, what makes her unique and many more. 
This is a list from men? 
How cool is that? They really think beauty is being secure in ourselves and be whatever it is that makes us, us. So it's true that beauty comes from within. It's what makes you, you  that makes you beautiful.  

What do we look like through God's eyes? 

When God looks at us he sees someone so very beautiful. We are his daughters and he created us to all be beautifully different. He sees each of us as flawless, beauty radiating creatures. He doesn't want us to change anything about ourselves. He created you to be unique and he loves every part of you. If we were all the same we would be quite boring. 

We've all been there at least at one point in our lives and for some of us it's an everyday battle. We don't ever feel like we are good enough, like we will never measure up. We place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and we are pressing thoughts of discouragement even further into our hearts. Why do we feel unwanted, undesirable, and unaccepted?

We should try to see ourselves the way God sees us. We need to stop thinking about everyone else and start being ourselves. Find what you like, what your passionate about, what your good at and excel at these things. Be kind and loving. Find the quirks that make you special and enjoy those things. Enjoy your freckles, your crooked nose, your curly hair. Just be you and emit the best you. Be the woman that God made you to be and there you will find the beauty inside which will radiate out of you.

1 Peter 3:3-4   Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.