What Are You Not Telling Your Spouse?

Don't tell my husband!

Don't tell my wife!

What they don't know, won't hurt them!

So..........

this is my personal opinion and 

I know a lot of people that don't feel the same way as I do.

Couples use these phrases all the time.

Anytime I hear someone saying them it really bothers me.

It can be something simple like:

A wife buys some new clothes or a coffee in the morning and says, "Don't tell my husband".

A husband purchases a new tool or gets a muffin on the way to work 

and says, "Don't tell my wife."

I have heard this phrase so many times over some really silly things 

and sometimes it's more serious.

I have heard it from family members, friends, and

posts on Facebook.

I have even heard it from pastors.

They are teaching and jokingly say something about their wives

 then say, "Don't tell my wife."

I have heard it from people teaching in bible studies.

I have even heard of a pastor that got a little road rage with his kids in the car so he took them for ice cream to bribe them not to tell their mom.

Yes, most of it is on trivial things.

But, does that really matter?

Should we be keeping things from our spouses?
What are we teaching our children?
It's not really a lie, is it?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about big lies. 
(that's for a whole other blog)
I'm talking about those little things.
The one where the one spouse is hiding a sugar addiction, smoking, purchases that you try to hide (yes, just like all those Facebook posts about hoping the UPS man comes when your husband is away), saying things that they don't want their husband or wife to know about. 
The small lies that we tell ourselves aren't really lies. 

I worked for a while in a small market in my town and while I was there I saw this a lot.
I had this one particular husband that would come in all the time when his wife was out of town.
He would come in, buy cigarettes and two gallons of ice cream.
He would say jokingly that his wife didn't allow those so he took advantage of the luxuries when she was away.

It is lying.

When we keep trivial things from our spouses so easily,

 it can lead to keeping more serious circumstances easily too.

It's true that those trivial things won't always turn into something worse.

But it could.

Are you willing to risk it?

On top of that, you are being disrespectful to your spouse.

How would you feel if you husband or wife could hear you. 

Or walked in the room right when you said that.

They would feel terrible, right?

I would hate that my husband felt he needed to hide things from me.

I would feel terrible that he was saying things about me that he felt I shouldn't know.

It would put a hint of doubt in part of our relationship.

If you can't say it, or do it in front of your spouse then it shouldn't be done.
Period.

Are secrets okay to keep?

By keeping secrets are you seeking the highest and best of God's gift of marriage?

God gave us a partner. A friend. A lover. 
Don't push them away by the small things. 
Strive to tell each other everything.
Strive to be honest at all chances.

Proverbs 12:19

Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

Speak Love!

Sticks and Stones may Break my Bones,

But words will never hurt me!

This childhood chant is all wrong. 

We grow up believing that this will protect us from the words of our peers. 
Hurtful words actually have the opposite effect.
They can cause pain for a lifetime.

In elementary school I was not part of the cool crowd.
I was a chubby girl with freckles.
My mom didn't have very much money raising 3 kids on her own.
Most of our clothes were hand me downs.
So, let's just say I was easy pickings.

I remember a boy in elementary school that was very cruel to me.
His name still brings on a tinge of anger.
We were in the same classes all the way through 8th grade.
UGH...

I had an older boyfriend in high school that was a very cruel, abusive person.
The things he told me still ring in my head 
when I'm feeling down about myself.

There are those comments and the people from your past
 that will sometimes pop back into your head throughout your life.
Sometimes you can blow them off as a childhood memory and
sometimes they will still devastate you
 and you will relive those comments.

Then there are the people close to you now. 
Your friends and family.
Those seem to be the comments that hurt the most
and have the most lasting effect. 

My husband and I have said so many things that we regret during arguments.
I can't get most of those things out of my head.
When I'm upset or down on myself, 
those comments are the things that pop back into my head.
They are the most hurtful.
Some of those comments will never be erased from my memory.
Some of those comments will hurt every time they are remembered.
The same goes for my husband.
He has told me some comments that I have said when I was upset that still hurt him.
I have to live with that. 
I have to live with the fact that I was careless with my words and
I hurt the person I love most.

This happens so often with our kids too.
Sometimes we say things we don't mean to our kids.
Or we get upset at our kids before thinking about how we are reacting.
They remember all of those things.
We work so hard to protect our children from pain.
If someone was making fun of your child or causing pain to your child, 
how would you react?
Do we want to be the people to cause them to hurt?
Do we want our children to remember us as angry or having harsh words?

Words can be devastating. 
Words are powerful beyond our imagination.
Words can be life changing.
They can be life changing in a bad or a good way.
We can use our words to bring life to one another.
To lift each other up.
Every time we open our mouths we can choose to give life or to take it.

That's why it's so important for us to raise our children to love one another.
To care for how others feel. 
There are always going to be cruel people in the world.
But, we can change the world by raising our children to be kind and loving.

Do you remember a kind word that was spoken in just the right moment?
Something that uplifted you for the day?
A comment that changed your perspective?
A person that spoke life giving words?

I have so many of these that it would be hard to list. 
So many people in my life have tried to speak life giving words.
Sometimes those words hit me right away and 
sometimes those words hit later in my life.

I try to speak life giving words to all the people in my life.
I'm not always good at it but I try.
I try to give encouragement at any chance I get to those around me.
I try to listen and think before talking to my children.
I try to speak kindly to my husband so I don't have words that I regret later.

As much as I have those painful words in my mind, 
I also have those loving words in my heart.

Words that my husband has given me will often keep me going.
Positive things that others say to me can give me a really wonderful day.

If you think something good, say it.
Don't pass by the opportunity to say something wonderful to or about someone.
If it comes to mind, say it right then. 
Don't wait.
Most of the time if you wait then another opportunity won't arise

Especially when it comes to your husband or wife. 
I have been trying to say things that I think right away.
Sometimes I think something wonderful and I forget to say it. 
Then my husband never knows.
 What a blessing it is that we can encourage the ones we love the most.
How wonderful is it that we can say the amazing things we think about our spouses
 and put them on cloud 9.
We can do that.
Why not use what we are thinking to bless our loved ones?
You can never give too much encouragement.

Never rob someone of an unspoken treasure.

This is also true with the words we speak to ourselves.
I struggle here for sure.
If you tell yourself your not beautiful, then you will believe it.
If you tell yourself that you hate your job, then you will hate it.
If you tell yourself that you aren't worth it, then you will believe you aren't worth it.

What we say to ourselves is what we will believe and it will shape our future.
We might not do something amazing because of the things we have said to ourselves.
We need to speak life to ourselves as well. 

God created us.
We are beautiful creatures.
He knit each of us together in our mother's womb.
God has a plan for our lives.
Don't tell yourself things that are untrue and hinder his plans for your life.
Remember the truths from God.
Remember that you are beautiful.
Remember that you can do all things with Christ. 

At all times say life giving words.
Your words matter.
Speak Life!
Speak Love!


Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

LOVE

I have to say I'm one of the lucky ones.

I have an amazing marriage.

If you have read any of my blogs in the past then I tell bits and pieces of our marriage.

We have had so many difficulties in our short marriage.

We recently went through our third miscarriage. 

This is just one of our current struggles. 

I keep praying and asking God why.

Why do things keep happening to us?

Can we please just get a break?

You see, I want a break from the difficulties and heart ache

but God is growing us through these.

God's plan is always better,

even when we don't see it.

There are a few things that we have gone through that hurt so deeply.

 Most people would want that hurt to disappear. 

Most people would want it to never have happened. 

Most people would've ran.

Not me. 

It hurts to look back.

It's painful.

But..... I wouldn't change it.

God has used our pain to help us to bloom into who he has planned.

Our marriage wouldn't be where it is without that pain.

I now have a husband that is attentive to my needs.

He can tell how I am feeling just by looking at me.

We talk about everything.

He is ALWAYS willing to listen and understand.

But it's deeper than that.

It's like he feels my pain by just looking into my eyes.

We have a connection that God has given to us that wouldn't have been there if we didn't go through this pain together. 

Sometimes I can be difficult. 

I'm emotional.

He just flows smoothly through it with me. 

He encourages me, he guides me and when I'm upset he wraps me up in his arms and holds me.

I don't even think he knew how great of a husband he could be. 

I don't think he knows how great of a husband he is. 

As I was sitting in church last week I was struggling.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I keep going back and forth on asking God why and knowing that what he has planned will be so much greater. 

I have asked why before and God was right.

This is much more than I could ever have thought.

He has blessed us in ways that I couldn't imagine. 

So as we are in this difficult time,

I'm held together by LOVE.

LOVE of God.

LOVE of my Husband.

LOVE of my Children.

LOVE of my Family.

LOVE of my Friends 

and 

LOVE of my Church Family. 

And we will always have that LOVE.

God has an amazing plan for our life.

God has an amazing plan for YOUR life.

Rest in him.

Give him your pain

and watch his plan unfold.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."