What is Beautiful?

What is Beautiful?

Where do we look to find beauty?

Magazines? Movies? Friends? God?

What defines your beauty?

Feeling beautiful is such a hard subject for me. 

I have never felt beautiful.

Since I was a kid I was made fun of by multiple classmates. I started wearing make up and really caring about my looks when I hit 7th grade. I got tired of people making fun of me and I wanted to be someone different than who I had been. For me the people around me defined my beauty and still does. I still measure myself against everyone I meet, even women I just pass by in the grocery store. I have been overweight for most of my life, except a few short times. My weight has fluctuated over the years so that has added a lot to how I feel. I always hated my freckles and use make up to cover them as much as possible. I still won't even go out of my house without make up on and I put it on right after I get out of the shower, I workout in make up, I do yard work in make up, most of the time I go to bed with make up because I don't want to look bad, I always have make up on. I don't really like looking in mirrors or taking pictures. I'm constantly self conscious of what others think of me. When I'm out I think people are looking at me and judging me. I don't really like to eat in public because I feel like people will judge me because I am too fat to be eating. Even when people have said I am beautiful I use the excuse that they didn't really mean it. I mean, how bad is that, that I can't even believe other people when they say something nice. 

I can be in a room with other women and I will get so down on myself. I will feel worse and worse the longer I'm there. I compare everything about myself to those around me. I think things like; everyone else is prettier than me, I'm so fat that I shouldn't even be in public, why would anyone even want to look at me, I wish I could lose weight so I can look like them, I wish I had nice legs, I wish I could wear nice clothes and have them look good on me, I just want to be skinny and pretty. 

I'm my own worst critic!

Why do I let the world tell me how I should look?

Why do I feel like I need to look like everyone else to be beautiful?

We live in a society that puts a high degree of importance on physical appearance. It demands us to glamorize ourselves before we are deemed attractive. Our society neglects the other aspects of beauty besides the physical nature of a woman. If you don't look like a model then you are unattractive. We spend so much money on beauty products and surgeries every year and we are still not satisfied with how we look. Young women in their twenties are having surgeries and Botox and just continue to change their looks every chance they get.

What truly makes a woman beautiful?

True beauty comes from within. 
We have all heard this and know it but do we really believe it?

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” 
― Kahlil Gibran

 I found a list of what men think are qualities of a beautiful woman; passion, compassion, confidence, takes care of herself, accepting of her body, her smile, intelligence, optimism, what makes her unique and many more. 
This is a list from men? 
How cool is that? They really think beauty is being secure in ourselves and be whatever it is that makes us, us. So it's true that beauty comes from within. It's what makes you, you  that makes you beautiful.  

What do we look like through God's eyes? 

When God looks at us he sees someone so very beautiful. We are his daughters and he created us to all be beautifully different. He sees each of us as flawless, beauty radiating creatures. He doesn't want us to change anything about ourselves. He created you to be unique and he loves every part of you. If we were all the same we would be quite boring. 

We've all been there at least at one point in our lives and for some of us it's an everyday battle. We don't ever feel like we are good enough, like we will never measure up. We place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and we are pressing thoughts of discouragement even further into our hearts. Why do we feel unwanted, undesirable, and unaccepted?

We should try to see ourselves the way God sees us. We need to stop thinking about everyone else and start being ourselves. Find what you like, what your passionate about, what your good at and excel at these things. Be kind and loving. Find the quirks that make you special and enjoy those things. Enjoy your freckles, your crooked nose, your curly hair. Just be you and emit the best you. Be the woman that God made you to be and there you will find the beauty inside which will radiate out of you.

1 Peter 3:3-4   Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Stop Worrying and Start Living

Worrying: causing anxiety about actual or potential problems.

This is the definition of worrying. 

I am a woman that  has worrying down.

I'm so good at it.

It's my specialty.

What keeps you up at night? Money, kids, marriage, friends, government, health?

Did you know that worrying can actually cause medical issues? 

Excessive worrying causes the fight or flight response according to Web MD. It causes the body's sympathetic nervous system to release stress hormones such as cortisol. These hormones boost blood sugar levels and triglycerides that can cause physical reactions like: depression, suppression of the immune system, digestive disorders, muscle tension, short-term memory loss, premature coronary artery disease and heart attack.

That is so crazy when you think about it (or don't because you might start worrying). 

When you Google worrying there are so many pages with steps to help you. Things like: sleep, exercise, knitting, and hydrating. There are so many help sites out there from every point of view. Whatever you need someone has the answer.

I'm the queen bee of worrying. Just ask my husband. I worry about things from what I need to get done to things that might possibly happen in 10 years. Sometimes I make up things in my head and start worrying about them even though they aren't real. Sometimes my worrying can rule every moment of my life. It's a bigger problem when it starts causing issues in my relationships. There are even sometimes that I worry about worrying. Things like: did I make my husband upset because I was worried? My worries will also rule my sleep, like the last couple of nights. I have been having some days filled with worries and even though my husband talks with me and makes me feel better sometimes it doesn't always help perfectly. The last few nights I have had some awful dreams (I don't usually remember my dreams either) but last night was the worst. It was the worst dream that I have had in a really long time. I woke up crying and I accidentally woke my husband up in the process. He made me feel better and gave me some much needed love, but now I have to go through my day reminding myself that this was a dream and the feelings weren't real. I have to make sure it doesn't spark more worry in my mind. Worry can become a domino effect, it can just continue into a much bigger problem and it all started in my head.  Sometimes my worries are small (I look back and realize they were silly) and sometimes they are issues that I feel are bigger than they actually are. 

I have to stop and think about what I'm doing.
 I have to think if it's real or if it's made up in my head. When I know that I am thinking about something that isn't real and it's destructive then I try to remember to turn myself to God and ask him to fill my mind with more constructive things. I don't always go this route and sometimes I just give in to the worry and let it take over. That's when the real trouble starts. I can go from worrying to being really upset.

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened."

 -Mark Twain

This quote is so me. I have so many troubles that haven't even happened. I wasn't always this way.
I remember when I was mostly worry free. Where worry didn't rule my life. My goal is to get back there to that place. To give my worries over to God to handle.

We (myself included) have to stop focusing our thoughts on events that haven't even taken place. Worrying accomplishes nothing and it can keep you from living the life God has intended for you. These are the things I try to remind myself daily.Worrying exaggerates the problem. Worry cannot change the past and it can't control the future. Worrying is keeping you from so many things in life. It keeps us from focusing on our husbands and fully enjoying our children. It stops us from finding joy where we are in our lives. We don't know how long we have to be on this earth and we need to start living our lives to the fullest. If we knew it was our last day we would be living differently than we are right now. Live each day as if it was our last. Do you want to be remembered as the loved one that had many worries or the one that really lived life? We have got to stop worrying and start living!

Matthew 6:34  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Serving Your Husband.... Ugh....

Ugh.... why can't he serve me?

I do everything.

I'm just so tired. 

I'm serving the kids and everyone else all day, I just want a break.

These are the kinds of things we say and the excuses we use everyday (myself included). 

We really don't want to serve our husbands because we are selfish and really want to be served ourselves. We are tired. We have been serving and pleasing all day and we would like a break too.

Yes, your husband should be willing to serve you and do things to please you as well but that is what he needs to work on himself. 

Today is the day to start working on you!

Let God worry about your husband.

What does serving your husband look like?

Well, it's such a wide range of things that it could be. You have to find what works for you and what makes your husband happy. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to be like everyone else. It's about doing things for him with a loving heart and using the gifts that God gave you.

Please, Please don't compare yourself with other women, you will never measure up if this is what you are doing. I am still learning this myself. Nobody is the same and no relationship is the same. Learn what works for the both of you. Serve in a way that is natural for you. Maybe your husband likes to be served by you paying attention to him, maybe it's doing things he takes an interest in. Maybe it's actually serving him with food or drinks. Maybe it's all of these things. Do something for him that you know he likes without him expecting it.  Figure out what he cares about and do it with and for him.  Serving your husband also doesn't mean beckoning to his every call. It means having an awareness of how you can help. Try to make his life easier. 

What this looks like for my marriage...

Well there are so many areas in our marriage. We are an all of the above marriage. There are some things I feel good about doing for him and some of the things are things he cares about. Most of the things he likes to do I like to do to so its kind of a win win situation. I make sure that everything I need to do is done by the time he gets home from work so we can focus on our time together. He loves it when I play video games with him and watch sports. I make sure his laundry is put away first so he doesn't have to worry about where his clothes are. I get up with him at 4:30 AM to make his lunch, his coffee and see him off. This way he has a worry free morning and day. I like to get him his drinks when he needs them and really I try to do anything he might need. It makes him happy and I want to make him happy. He works really hard and for long hours so I do the yard work and clean the garage too. I just make sure when he gets home he doesn't have to do anything but enjoy the children and get a bit of rest. I'm also at home all the time so this might look a bit different for all you working wives. Service to my husband brings me joy and that's the best part.

I don't always do this so well.

I'm not perfect so I can't do this like I wish I could. We are only human. Marriage is hard. We can't always remember to do things for someone that we live in close quarters with. Sometimes I do get irritated that I do so much. Then there are other times when he remembers to tell me how much he appreciates me and that makes me feel good. Of course I wish he would say this more often but I don't fault him for it because we don't always remember to say the things we think. I do the same thing to him. I think of great things about him but I don't always say it to him. I am trying to train myself to remember to tell him when I think those things because when we hear the good things people think about us it makes us feel wanted and cared about (yes, husbands do need to feel cared and loved for even with their manly surface). But this isn't why we should serve our husbands.

Why serve your husband?

Serving your husband will show him that he is a priority to you. Do you remember when you first met and you wanted to do everything for your him? Remember when it pleased you because everything was new and you didn't expect to get anything in return? We need to get back to doing this. It's important for our marriages.

As you serve your husband your love for him will grow and his will grow for you. The outcome? A better, healthier marriage. 

What the world says?

We live in a society where this is not a normal thing and actually it's looked down upon. What I hear most of the world saying is take care of yourself first. Worry about you. We live in a very selfish world and it's hard to train yourself to do things differently. Most everything we see and watch is about worry about you. Putting yourself first. The "what's in it for me," attitude. We should put others first. First and foremost our husbands but that's not what the world is teaching us. As humans we feel good helping and serving others. At least that has been my experience.

The saying, "Happy Wife, Happy Life," 

it's a true statement but it's also true in reverse.
Happy wife husband, Happy Life!

Not everyone is going to agree with me and that's ok. Not everyone believes the same things, but your marriage will be blessed if you take a few steps to serve your hubby. You don't have to get up early like I do and you don't have to do what other wives do either. Just do what you can do and do it with a loving, serving heart.

  Ephesians 6:7
Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people,

Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

The Dangers of a Wandering Eye.

The flirtatious woman.
The wandering eye of a man.
What is going on in this world?

I just heard today about another broken family because a man became distracted and "in love" with another woman. This is the 3rd family in the last couple of months in my small town (2,100 people). I have experienced this myself and let me tell you it is the most painful thing a woman will go through besides loosing a child. My whole world came crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do about it. I was in a hole that I couldn't climb out of and the person that I loved dropped me in and walked away. I couldn't eat, or sleep, or function. The extent of brokenness that I felt can never be fully explained. It really felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. My life was in shambles. Never in my life have I felt this much pain. I know the pain first hand that these women and women all over this world are going through and I wish they didn't have to walk this heart breaking walk.You never know the depth of pain someone else is going through until you go through a similar situation. It hurts, and I feel crushed just hearing about it.

Not all of these women are Christians either and I feel for them. At least I had Jesus to rely on. I had him to scream and cry out to. I had a shoulder to cry on all day and even in the middle of the night. He gave me hope, my only hope. He gave me promises that I didn't understand at the moment. Promises of a better future. 

If we as women stood together, supported and celebrated each other's marriages around us then this wouldn't be an issue. There is something wrong with the world and the way young women are being raised when they think it's ok to take another woman's husband. To flirt with him and try to win his heart. They need to turn around and walk away, not plan to tear a family apart. Back off that man! That man is someone else's, not yours!

About a year ago, I was in a store purchasing work pants with my husband and there was a young girl behind the counter. As soon as she looked up she looked directly at my husband and became super cheerful and said she could help with anything needed just let her know. Then she looked at me and dropped her smile to a frown and turned around. She seemed to be at every corner in the store as we walked around just smiling at my husband. I mentioned this to my husband as we left the store and he was oblivious to this particular situation. I just can't believe women actually think this is okay behavior. Why do you need this kind of attention??? Why do you need it from my husband??? Aren't there plenty of single men around that you can get your attention from?

Women these days are looking for the wrong attention. What happened to just being women, having values and waiting for the right man to come along? Why do they need to steal from a marriage?

I just don't understand it.

Another time we were in a grocery store, walking around with my husband and all three of our children. We were coming down the frozen section straight towards the check out line and a young girl working there turned around and saw my husband. As we walked down the aisle she continued to stare and smile at him. When we got closer she followed him with her eyes then turned to look at me and just looked at me with no expression. Just no care at all to what she was doing.

This is so disrespectful!

Anytime we are in a public place I can pick out the girls that are like this. There are some really great women out there that will be sure to be polite but make sure to pay more attention to the wife and I think this is a respectful thing to do. Then there are the girls that walk around flirty, flipping their hair around looking all over the place for someone to look their direction and give them attention. They don't care who the attention is coming from as long as they are getting it.

Those are the ones that I'm talking about.

Where are the morals?

Where is the respect for yourself?

What has happened to us beautiful, caring, loving women?
Some women are just dangerous!

Now to the Men!

Some men acknowledge that they get distracted by women and set up boundaries to protect their marriage. Then there are other men that allow themselves to be distracted. They are willing participants because they also like the attention and they're bored in their marriage. They allow themselves to believe that this new person gives them more attention. It's exciting and new. They believe all the lies that they are telling themselves.

They also like the excuse that their wife didn't love them anyways (which is never true). They tell themselves, and the new woman in their life, that to make them feel better. These men don't understand the extent of pain they are going to be putting upon their family. Their children. Destroying the lives of so many others just for a little pleasure.
You are supposed to be the leader of your family, and you are abandoning them. You are supposed to love, honor and cherish your wife. Your supposed to be a good example for your children to follow. 
Is this the kind of man you want your son to be? 
Is this the kind of man you want your daughter to marry?
Eventually the other woman will be the same way with you as your wife is and you will become bored once again. This "new" woman is putting on her best behavior, her best performance to win you over, you will eventually see the real person she is. It's only exciting at first. Just like it was exciting when you met your wife. Life gets in the way of a marriage when you let it. Maybe if you spent more time admiring your wife and spending your time and energy on your wife then you would have a happier, more exciting marriage. You can't always just wait for her to do things for you. If you want to be happy in your marriage then make it happen. 
Make better choices!

For the men that are trying to be good, these women make it so much harder. Temptation of women is already so difficult for men and it's harder when women are throwing themselves at them. To those men that are devoted to their wives I commend you. Keep up the good work. I'm sure God is blessing you and your family because of your leadership.

Now, I'm not just talking to men because women leave their husbands all the time for other men. I'm only basically using them because it's been happening near me. 
I believe it's never a good situation for a man and a woman to work together, have personal time together or personal messages. It's too easy for them to become attracted to one another. If you can't do it in front of your wife then you are already cheating. I don't believe that men and women should be friends outside of marriage. Your husband/wife should be your friend. If you can't share everything with your spouse then that's where you need to start working, not going to someone else to talk. Sure there are some relationships where they can just be friends but it's better to put up boundaries and limits before there is ever a chance of something happening. I wouldn't want to risk my marriage, would you?

Relationships that come out of these situations aren't real, they are built on lies and deceit. The men and women involved in these relationships are lying to themselves as much as to everyone else. They think what they are doing is the right thing. It's not! You need to look inside yourself because there are feelings that God gives us to let us know that what we are doing isn't the right thing. God is telling you the correct path to take even if you don't want to take it. Men, God will never put someone else in your life for you to love other than your wife. Women, God will never deliver you someone else's husband. It's your choice to go against Gods plan for your life and a plan other than God's will never work out the way you hoped. His plan is always the right path.

Women, we can do this!
We can respect each other. 
We can respect ourselves.
We can come together as women, loving each other and caring for one another.
We need to build each other up.
If we care for each other, we are going to care for every woman's marriage and families as well. Stop being jealous of one another and be proud and supportive. 
We are powerful beings if we just learn to stop hurting one another. If we band together we can change things. 
We can change the world!

Mark 10:6-9

But at the beginning of creation God made them make and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

Top 15 Places I Would Love to Visit

To travel, to see the world! 

To look upon the colors of the world.

To see how other people live, the animals and to see other lands.

This would make me so happy.

Everyone says to travel when you are young and now I know why. Once you get settled into a job and have kids you just can't do it. You don't have the time or the money to travel. I wish I would've known back when I was younger. 

My husband and I would love to travel but like I said it would take a lot to do that. We really don't have the money or the time. We were talking this last week about traveling and decided that we have an old alhambra (water jar if anyone remembers those) jar and we keep our change in it. Most of the time we just take the money ever so often and roll it to deposit into the bank. We decided to let it fill up and have it for one destination at a time. This way we will be able to save up the money and we just have to figure out the time. It could take forever to save up but it will be worth it.

So here is my top 15 places that I would like to visit:

1. Ireland

Just looking at this picture and all the others you can find online just makes you want to go. It's absolutely beautiful. Plus, I'm mainly Irish with a few other things. My husband has a bit of Irish as well so that work for both of us.

The castles, the rolling green hills and of course the beer. Those are just a few reasons why. I have just always had a desire since I was a child to visit here.

2. Scotland

I have a bit of Scottish in me as well so that 's my first desire but also it's stunningly beautiful as well. 

3. Alaska (this is in my country but I still want to visit so I added it)

I have wanted to go to Alaska for a long time. It's so beautiful and there are things you will never see anywhere else. 

These top three places my husband and I have both had as our top places to visit. 

4. Portugal

This one is for my husband. He wants to go to The Azores. This is his heritage and he would like to visit. Oh darn I have to enjoy this extremely beautiful place. I would love to visit it as well. When you look up the pictures of this place it's absolutely gorgeous. 

5. Israel

First and foremost this would be amazing to walk where Jesus walked. To go to the Holy Land.

The Garden Tomb, The Mount of Olives, Mount Zion and Bethlehem. Seriously this would just be such an amazing trip to take.

6. New Zealand

A beautiful Island!

Well, not just one island.

There area amazing animals and beautiful waters to be seen here.

7. Italy

I think of Italy as most people think of it a country of romance.

This picture right here is one for sure to go see.

I want to taste all their delicious food and seem their amazing buildings.

8. Greece

Ancient Greece!

Plus beautiful waters and cities.

9. Japan

My husband I'm sure wouldn't like the busy city. I had an exchange student from Japan when I was in high school and ever since then I have wanted to go. The bamboo grove would be great to see and to have Sushi all the time...... Sounds good to me :)

10.Austrailia

Australia has so many things to do. From the Sydney Opera House to the Great Barrier Reef. The waterfalls are supposed to be spectacular and the animals, I would love to see the animals.

11. France

France, another romantic country. The Eiffel Tower, Paris, the Notre Dame Cathedral. So many things to do in France. The food must be phenomenal.

12. Germany

My mom lived in Germany for a while when my dad was in the army. She would tell me things about their roads, the beer and how they use all white Christmas lights. I love all white Christmas lights. I think I would love to go for Oktoberfest of course. I would like to see the Berlin wall and the beautiful castles.

13. Sri Lanka

I heard the snakes are terrible (which almost makes me change my mind). I really just found out about this place but I would love to visit. They have beautiful beaches and mountains. Ancient buildings and Elephants :)

14.Spain

So many Cathedrals in Spain to see. Going to Madrid and Barcelona, the bull fights and the food.

15. Mexico

I know this should be an easy one because I live in California. I have never been to Mexico. My husband has been. He used to go fishing with his Dad there. I will take a small place like this and stay on the beach.

So these are the places that I would love to travel to. I hope we can start soon but with financial difficulties it will probably not start until our kids are grown. It's just a goal for the future. Something to look forward to. We should all have goals that we strive for in the future. :) Comment on the country you would like to visit the most.

Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

When God Doesn't Make Sense....

Tragedy.....

The one thing that almost always makes us question God.

Where are you God?

Why did you let this happen?

I was praying and you didn't come through.

Where are you??

I have seen some amazing things this last week in our small town. An astonishing girl of 16 was in a car accident with her older sister. Her sister came out of it with minor injuries but the 16 year old was in serious condition in a coma. She had major swelling on her brain. 

I had the honor of being this young lady's Awana leader for her 5th and 6th grade year. I also helped with our youth group and got to spend some time with her there as well. This was an exceptional girl and she just became more amazing as she got older. She loved God and wasn't afraid to show it. She was always helping people and she had the most beautiful smile. I always hoped to raise daughters like her. When I met her I just knew she was special and I hoped one day my daughters would be just as sweet, loving, God fearing and helpful as this girl. Not all girls are this way. We live in a hard world and we need more girls like her to change the world and make it a better place.

Right after the accident there was a gofundme account, a Facebook page set up and a fund raiser dinner planned by family friends. Our small community posted all day on the Facebook page and as of right now they have raised $28,000 on the go fund me account. This last weekend the town flooded the hospital both days and met at the high school and prayed and prayed. 

The whole town rallied around this family and then outreached to other communities and pretty soon across the world. Everyone was praying for this wonderful young lady to be healed. On the Facebook page they set up a time of 12:15pm for everyone to come together at the same time everyday and pray for her. It was such a wonderful feeling of so many praying at the same time. The Facebook page was filled with prayers and encouragement for her and her family. Last night we went to the fund raiser dinner and there were so many people there that we waited in line for 3 hours to get our food. The line was all the way down Main Street. It was quite amazing to see how such a small community can come together.

This amazing young lady went to be with the Lord and I am so heart broken. I really believed that God was going to heal her. I didn't think that God would take this wonderful girl from this world. She would make such a difference. I thought this would be such an amazing miracle for God to show his healing grace. There were people praying that don't normally pray. There were people praising God through worship songs that you wouldn't normally see in church. I thought "this is it God," your going to show your miracles to all these people and you are going to use this wonderful girl to bring so many people to you. Then the post came of her passing....

It just crushed me. I can't believe the pain that her family must be going through. Her friends, her cheer team. The loss of  a daughter, sister, grand daughter, niece, cousin and friend. I wondered why she couldn't have spent her life living a loving testament for God and sharing her life with others. Sometimes someone is taken too early and this fits her for sure. She was loved by all and will be missed in this small town dearly. 

So where is God?

Why didn't he answer our prayers?

He is loving her right now, holding her in his arms. He had a different purpose for her life here on this earth then the one we all thought. She has received her healing but it just wasn't here on earth it was up in Heaven with her Heavenly father. I just think about the joy she must be having right now. No more pain or sorrow. Only pure unfathomable heavenly joy. 

If God loves us why would he let tragedy happen to us? 

While God encourages us to pray for a miracle, he doesn't always intervene. We don't really know his reason for taking her at such a young age but these are just things we won't understand this side of Heaven. God doesn't make every thing happen. Sometimes, things just happen. 

God will convert the suffering and use it for our good!

Even in her tragedy and her passing God is still using her. She touched so many peoples lives and she brought an entire town together for prayer. She has brought people to God. She will continue to help people because her family is also donating her organs, so she is going to be saving 200 recipients that are also in their hospital beds praying for a miracle. God has used her to be their miracle. 

Miracles for Maddy.

Maddy is the Miracle!

Revelation 21:4

4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

If you would like to donate to the family of Maddy please go to this link: https://www.gofundme.com/2i22kdo

I made this post in a rainbow of colors because Maddy loved all the colors of the rainbow.

The Truth Behind Divorce

The big "D" word, 

and it is just that. 

It is the biggest decision in your life. The one that will alter all of your past and your future. It will change everything from the way you live, your children, and the way people around treat you.

My ex husband and I got together when I was 17 years old. I never really had a chance to be me or figure out what I really wanted. I just knew I always wanted to be married and have children so I just jumped in. We had two beautiful children. I had been having thoughts of leaving for many years that I had suppressed. I had even brought it up to him many times but he never took it seriously. 

Around the 12 year mark I was fully involved in our church. I was the leader of an Awana group, I was a leader in the youth group and I was going to weekly bible studies. Working in the youth group was the best time in my life. Learning (I say that because they are the ones that taught me so much) with such wonderful young people was so very amazing. We went to summer camps and even a mission trip to Costa Rica. Some amazing things happened in that time in my life. Except my life at home. I felt like I was doing these things to please God for sure but also so I didn't have to be home in the evenings. I tried to skip past talks of marriage with my students because I didn't want to lie to anyone and I didn't know what to say.

I spent time paying attention to other marriages that had gone through a divorce and they seemed happy. I wanted to be happy in that area too. I just didn't know the sacrifice I would have to make with the happiness I already had in all the other areas in my life. 

One day I had had enough and I left. I moved in with my mom. Things just went from bad to worse through the divorce process. It wasn't easy at all. It was quite ugly.

The kids are always the ones that suffer the most.
It has been a hard thing for them to split their time between two parents, two houses, two bedrooms and two neighborhoods. It's hard for school as well. They want to take toys they are interested in back and forth so they take them to school with them every week (this must be embarrassing for them). They do the same with clothes if they have something specific that they want to wear. School papers and announcements don't always get to each parent (even though the school tries really hard). It's hard to plan extra curricular activities and vacations. Everything is mapped out on my calendar for scheduling. These things are not easy tasks. The kids have stayed positive through all of it. They are such loving children and we talk a lot. We always keep communication going and I'm always asking how they are feeling and holding up. They seem to be doing well but this will always make their life a little more difficult.

Family is the next thing to be affected.
The whole family is broken. From family that might have taken you in and stood by you in hard times. To cousins that are no longer cousins. Family trips that are no longer yours. You don't realize these things in the process. You don't think about the other people you will lose. People you have loved, people you have cried on the shoulder of and people that have been there for you.

Friends? You really find out who those are during something like this. Most people don't know how to handle people going through a divorce (which is understandable) but you really need friends to stand by you instead of being scared and staying away. You need friends to call you up and spend time with you. Most of my friends disappeared. 

That's where the church comes in.
I love my church. I still go to this church but nobody here knew how to handle it either. I left the church for a while and during this time I had maybe two or three people try to talk to me through Facebook. My pastor/friend called multiple times but I wasn't ready to talk to him. Friends I had been going to bible study with, for 3 years, just stopped talking to me besides the normal greeting when we see each other at the store. It felt like I was poisoned and nobody wanted to be around me. Like maybe the divorce might rub off on them. 

How did I handle it?

Not well that's for sure. I started going out drinking all the time. The friends I met at the bar made me feel normal. It wasn't like the people I had called my friends for so long that were scared to be around me. These people accepted me for where I was and just worried about me during the process to make sure the kids and I were doing well. I had started to feel accepted but I was also missing something. I had pulled away from God. From the peace and happiness he had been bestowing on my life. I started to fall into a depression full of guilt. I was in a completely different lifestyle in a matter of weeks and it was really hard to get adjusted to. I had uprooted myself from the comfort of my home and I brought my kids along with me (I tried to make things as normal as possible for the kids when they were with me). I pretended that, that was the life I wanted. I had even convinced myself that I didn't need God anymore. I was falling apart a little at a time and telling myself it was okay and normal to be this way. 

What did I learn?

Well, I met my wonderful husband a little while after, which he has been a huge blessing. He has walked with me through the ups and downs of this process. He has stood by the kids and I's side and supported us when things got difficult. He has been my rock. 

What I have learned in this process is divorce is never the option and it will always make things harder(unless you are being abused than that's a different story). You will think it's the only option but it's not. The precious lives of children are not worth altering.  Your own sanity isn't worth altering. I have had people come to me hoping that I would tell them that it was okay to get a divorce and I tell them the opposite. I hope that I am not one of those people that someone looks at saying that I'm happy so they will be too. That's a lie!
Yes, I am happy.
I love my husband!
We have so much love between us and a wonderful life with three beautiful children, but it is the opposite of easy. Every other week that Monday comes when the kids have to go back to their dad's and it's so hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye and not see them for a week. It's hard to know that I won't be there to tuck them into bed at night and kiss them in the morning. It's hard to think about the experiences that I won't be a part of. The things they do that they have to remember to tell me about next week. I miss them tremendously every day they are gone.

It's hard on our little one when she has to say goodbye to them all the time. She cries a lot for her Bubba and her Sis-sis. She has trouble sleeping in her room without her Sis-sis. Sometimes we have vacations or trips to places that they aren't able to go on (we can't always control what week activities fall on). Sometimes there are field trips that I can't attend. I miss things, a lot of things. I'm not there for experiences in their lives. I'm not there as a full time mother any longer. There have been so many difficult parts of this that nobody actually fully understands unless they have walked it. But I tell you today not to walk that way. Don't take that direction. It's not worth it. There is always a way to fix a marriage and you will always come to a time of difficulty if you let it.

There is a reason that God has the perfect plan for marriage. When we don't go by his plan then we are the ones that get hurt and we hurt a lot of other people in process. Just look at our hurting world around us. Look at all the hurting people. If we would just live the lives that God designed for us so many things would be different.

Work on your marriages.
Build your Love for one another.
Spend time together.
Do whatever is possible and lean on God to help walk you through! 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

We Are So Broke, When Will It Get Better? Then the blessings come....

Paycheck to paycheck!

That is our life!

We were always broke growing up.

My mom was a single mother, of three children, that worked full time just to make ends meet. People in our church would give us hand me downs for clothes and the church sometimes had to give us money for food or gas to get us to her next paycheck. There were those Christmas's that we would volunteer our time with our church feeding the homeless, then delivering presents around town to kids that didn't have any. After that we would come home to have had someone deliver presents and food to our house as well. I remember times when we wouldn't have any money and have already searched the house for anything. Then all of a sudden in her purse (a place we already looked) there would be a twenty dollar bill. Or the time that we went to the mail box to find an envelope with money from an anonymous person right when we needed it. God always came through when I was a child. We always made it through somehow!

How are we going to make it until next week?

Here we are present day trying to make ends meet.

My husband works two jobs just to provide for our family. It's hard work, he is tired a lot of the time and we are still barely making it through. Paycheck to paycheck we live. A lot of times we can't do things that others are doing because we are out of money.  I have experience with this because of my childhood but it's tiring. We just want to have a little cushion and I have been stressing about it a lot lately. I haven't turned to God about it. I have just been stressing and worrying about it. I have been feeling hopeless. It's been wearing me down. Then my pastor asked me if I was spending time in the bible and in prayer?

No.

I wasn't.

I have been spending all my time worrying, feeling sorry for myself and trying to do everything on my own. My husband goes to work at 4:30am and I am always up with him when he goes. Before I would spend that time reading, working out, or some chore that I needed to do. I decided to take that time to spend with God.

It has only been about two weeks since I started doing this and I am already feeling better. More relaxed and less stressed. I'm starting not to complain as much and I feel hopeful.

About 4 days ago our neighbor brought over a huge bag of clothes for our youngest daughter. It was so nice there were a bunch of clothes to finish off Summer and a ton for Winter coming up.

The next day I received a Facebook message from a friend that has a big bag of girl clothes as well for us.

Yesterday, a friend brought by eight bags of boys clothes for my son. Clothes for this year and some for him to grow into.  All of those friends also said they would pass down future clothes as well. Now, none of these people know of our struggles with money because we don't really talk about it with our friends or on Facebook. 

Absolutely Amazing!

I was thinking about it and was amazed by the amazing love of Christ.

He really came through.

We received a bunch of really nice clothes for all our children and we don't have to worry about buying any.

How wonderful is that?

My heart is soaring with joy.

How God loves us and will give to us when we ask.

I have been going through some really hard months. We have had so many struggles and hurts in our short marriage and it's been really hard to start trusting God again. I used to see things like this of God's love for me all the time but this is the first time in over three years that I have seen Him work in my life. Even if it's in something as small as hand me downs.

He has proved to me that He will always provide and the life He has planned for us is much better than the life we think we want. We just have to put our trust in Him.

Try it out!

If you feel discouraged, then I encourage you to spend time with God. Just test it and see what happens. If you want to see miracles in your life then spend time with God!

Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:31-32 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.