and it is just that.
It is the biggest decision in your life. The one that will alter all of your past and your future. It will change everything from the way you live, your children, and the way people around treat you.
My ex husband and I got together when I was 17 years old. I never really had a chance to be me or figure out what I really wanted. I just knew I always wanted to be married and have children so I just jumped in. We had two beautiful children. I had been having thoughts of leaving for many years that I had suppressed. I had even brought it up to him many times but he never took it seriously.
Around the 12 year mark I was fully involved in our church. I was the leader of an Awana group, I was a leader in the youth group and I was going to weekly bible studies. Working in the youth group was the best time in my life. Learning (I say that because they are the ones that taught me so much) with such wonderful young people was so very amazing. We went to summer camps and even a mission trip to Costa Rica. Some amazing things happened in that time in my life. Except my life at home. I felt like I was doing these things to please God for sure but also so I didn't have to be home in the evenings. I tried to skip past talks of marriage with my students because I didn't want to lie to anyone and I didn't know what to say.
I spent time paying attention to other marriages that had gone through a divorce and they seemed happy. I wanted to be happy in that area too. I just didn't know the sacrifice I would have to make with the happiness I already had in all the other areas in my life.
One day I had had enough and I left. I moved in with my mom. Things just went from bad to worse through the divorce process. It wasn't easy at all. It was quite ugly.
The kids are always the ones that suffer the most.
It has been a hard thing for them to split their time between two parents, two houses, two bedrooms and two neighborhoods. It's hard for school as well. They want to take toys they are interested in back and forth so they take them to school with them every week (this must be embarrassing for them). They do the same with clothes if they have something specific that they want to wear. School papers and announcements don't always get to each parent (even though the school tries really hard). It's hard to plan extra curricular activities and vacations. Everything is mapped out on my calendar for scheduling. These things are not easy tasks. The kids have stayed positive through all of it. They are such loving children and we talk a lot. We always keep communication going and I'm always asking how they are feeling and holding up. They seem to be doing well but this will always make their life a little more difficult.
It has been a hard thing for them to split their time between two parents, two houses, two bedrooms and two neighborhoods. It's hard for school as well. They want to take toys they are interested in back and forth so they take them to school with them every week (this must be embarrassing for them). They do the same with clothes if they have something specific that they want to wear. School papers and announcements don't always get to each parent (even though the school tries really hard). It's hard to plan extra curricular activities and vacations. Everything is mapped out on my calendar for scheduling. These things are not easy tasks. The kids have stayed positive through all of it. They are such loving children and we talk a lot. We always keep communication going and I'm always asking how they are feeling and holding up. They seem to be doing well but this will always make their life a little more difficult.
Family is the next thing to be affected.
The whole family is broken. From family that might have taken you in and stood by you in hard times. To cousins that are no longer cousins. Family trips that are no longer yours. You don't realize these things in the process. You don't think about the other people you will lose. People you have loved, people you have cried on the shoulder of and people that have been there for you.
Friends? You really find out who those are during something like this. Most people don't know how to handle people going through a divorce (which is understandable) but you really need friends to stand by you instead of being scared and staying away. You need friends to call you up and spend time with you. Most of my friends disappeared.
That's where the church comes in.
I love my church. I still go to this church but nobody here knew how to handle it either. I left the church for a while and during this time I had maybe two or three people try to talk to me through Facebook. My pastor/friend called multiple times but I wasn't ready to talk to him. Friends I had been going to bible study with, for 3 years, just stopped talking to me besides the normal greeting when we see each other at the store. It felt like I was poisoned and nobody wanted to be around me. Like maybe the divorce might rub off on them.
How did I handle it?
Not well that's for sure. I started going out drinking all the time. The friends I met at the bar made me feel normal. It wasn't like the people I had called my friends for so long that were scared to be around me. These people accepted me for where I was and just worried about me during the process to make sure the kids and I were doing well. I had started to feel accepted but I was also missing something. I had pulled away from God. From the peace and happiness he had been bestowing on my life. I started to fall into a depression full of guilt. I was in a completely different lifestyle in a matter of weeks and it was really hard to get adjusted to. I had uprooted myself from the comfort of my home and I brought my kids along with me (I tried to make things as normal as possible for the kids when they were with me). I pretended that, that was the life I wanted. I had even convinced myself that I didn't need God anymore. I was falling apart a little at a time and telling myself it was okay and normal to be this way.
What did I learn?
Well, I met my wonderful husband a little while after, which he has been a huge blessing. He has walked with me through the ups and downs of this process. He has stood by the kids and I's side and supported us when things got difficult. He has been my rock.
What I have learned in this process is divorce is never the option and it will always make things harder(unless you are being abused than that's a different story). You will think it's the only option but it's not. The precious lives of children are not worth altering. Your own sanity isn't worth altering. I have had people come to me hoping that I would tell them that it was okay to get a divorce and I tell them the opposite. I hope that I am not one of those people that someone looks at saying that I'm happy so they will be too. That's a lie!
Yes, I am happy.
I love my husband!
We have so much love between us and a wonderful life with three beautiful children, but it is the opposite of easy. Every other week that Monday comes when the kids have to go back to their dad's and it's so hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye and not see them for a week. It's hard to know that I won't be there to tuck them into bed at night and kiss them in the morning. It's hard to think about the experiences that I won't be a part of. The things they do that they have to remember to tell me about next week. I miss them tremendously every day they are gone.
It's hard on our little one when she has to say goodbye to them all the time. She cries a lot for her Bubba and her Sis-sis. She has trouble sleeping in her room without her Sis-sis. Sometimes we have vacations or trips to places that they aren't able to go on (we can't always control what week activities fall on). Sometimes there are field trips that I can't attend. I miss things, a lot of things. I'm not there for experiences in their lives. I'm not there as a full time mother any longer. There have been so many difficult parts of this that nobody actually fully understands unless they have walked it. But I tell you today not to walk that way. Don't take that direction. It's not worth it. There is always a way to fix a marriage and you will always come to a time of difficulty if you let it.
There is a reason that God has the perfect plan for marriage. When we don't go by his plan then we are the ones that get hurt and we hurt a lot of other people in process. Just look at our hurting world around us. Look at all the hurting people. If we would just live the lives that God designed for us so many things would be different.
Work on your marriages.
Build your Love for one another.
Spend time together.
Do whatever is possible and lean on God to help walk you through!
Yes, I am happy.
I love my husband!
We have so much love between us and a wonderful life with three beautiful children, but it is the opposite of easy. Every other week that Monday comes when the kids have to go back to their dad's and it's so hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye and not see them for a week. It's hard to know that I won't be there to tuck them into bed at night and kiss them in the morning. It's hard to think about the experiences that I won't be a part of. The things they do that they have to remember to tell me about next week. I miss them tremendously every day they are gone.
It's hard on our little one when she has to say goodbye to them all the time. She cries a lot for her Bubba and her Sis-sis. She has trouble sleeping in her room without her Sis-sis. Sometimes we have vacations or trips to places that they aren't able to go on (we can't always control what week activities fall on). Sometimes there are field trips that I can't attend. I miss things, a lot of things. I'm not there for experiences in their lives. I'm not there as a full time mother any longer. There have been so many difficult parts of this that nobody actually fully understands unless they have walked it. But I tell you today not to walk that way. Don't take that direction. It's not worth it. There is always a way to fix a marriage and you will always come to a time of difficulty if you let it.
There is a reason that God has the perfect plan for marriage. When we don't go by his plan then we are the ones that get hurt and we hurt a lot of other people in process. Just look at our hurting world around us. Look at all the hurting people. If we would just live the lives that God designed for us so many things would be different.
Work on your marriages.
Build your Love for one another.
Spend time together.
Do whatever is possible and lean on God to help walk you through!
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
No comments:
Post a Comment