So, once again I wasn't going to write about this.
I woke up this morning thinking about meeting with my pastor, not putting this on my blog.
Then, I thought about the fact that I started this blog knowing that I would be putting myself out there.
I would be putting all of the situations that I go through on here to hopefully help someone else.
We are only on this earth for a short time.
God gave us each other to help walk through our trials.
He gave us the things we go through, not to keep to ourselves, but to share.
I'm scared!
That's really all there is to it.
That's what happens when you hear some sort of diagnosis that has scary possibilities.
My miscarriage and D&C was about a month ago and I finally was able to get into the doctor yesterday. It took what felt like forever because of the holiday's and my doctor getting emergency surgery. So, I go in and meet with a new doctor and she tells me that all my tests came back fine but I had a Molar Pregnancy that they discovered during the procedure. I had only heard of the word before and had no idea what it meant. She told me basics in the office and that I needed to come in every month for 6 months for a blood test and it's very important that we don't get pregnant during that time. I wasn't too worried because she didn't seem worried (but it's her job not to freak me out).
When I got home and talked with my husband about it, he encouraged me (like he does in his amazing, loving way). He also told me not to look it up online. I didn't listen.
Here are the basics to a Molar Pregnancy in my words from research I have done online:
1. Molar Pregnancy is when the "tissue" that would become a baby becomes an abnormal growth in your uterus. A tumor.
2. There are two different kinds of Molar Pregnancy's. I had a complete Molar pregnancy (the worst one).
3. Out of 1000 cases of complete molar pregnancy, 150-200 develop trophoblastic disease that keeps growing after the tissue is removed according to Web MD.
4. Traces of the Molar Pregnancy can begin to grow again and may posses a cancerous threat.
5. In a few cases, trophoblastic disease turns into cancer. In rare cases, the abnormal tissue can spread to other parts of the body.
6. Almost all women who get this cancer are cured with treatment like Chemotherapy and possible radiation.
7. Early detection and being monitored closely by your doctor is essential.
No pregnancy for 6 months.
That seems so long for someone already hoping to get pregnant.
Yes, I am happy that all my test results came back fine.
I'm happy I already have been blessed with 3 beautiful children.
I have a wonderful husband
and a beautiful life.
But........
We have really been hoping and praying for another child and this just puts one more thing into the equation.
It may seem small to some of you but to me it isn't. It feels huge. Yes, I can go through this time and everything will be okay. There will be no more growth and after 6 months we can try again.
Or....
There could be more growth and it could be more serious.
Will it ever stop?
I feel like the difficulties just won't stop.
They just keep flowing into our lives and pouring out more pain.
I was in our daughter's room last night when they were sleeping and I was thinking of course this wasn't just a normal miscarriage. Of course it is something way more serious and scary.
I deserve this for all the things I have done.
My life WILL never be normal.
The problems will just keep coming.
I'm sure I will end up with the worst case scenario, I deserve it.
What's next?
What more can happen in our lives?
How much more pain can we handle?
Can we please have a break?
This morning when I woke up I just didn't know how to feel about it.
I'm really scared and
I want to encourage others with my stories but I just don't know how to encourage anyone with this one. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to meet with my pastor and have the church pray for us.
Then this post came up on Facebook from KLove and it was this verse:
Don't be afraid,
For I am with you.
Don't be discouraged,
For I am your God.
I will strengthen
you and help you.
I will hold you up with
my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Do I blame God for all the bad things that happen?
No!
The thought crosses my mind but I know better.
I know I'm not being punished because he loves us and wants the best for us.
I can look back at my life and see so many times that he could've punished me, if he was a God that punished his children. I have done so many wrong things. I have walked so many wrong paths. I wouldn't have so many blessings if that were true.
God only gives us what he knows we can handle.
Some of us go through really difficult situations and some of us don't get very many. Sometimes we have long seasons of difficulties and sometimes they are short.
But...
He only gives us what we can handle, no more. God lets situations to happen to grow us weather it's a good or bad situation. It's all a growth opportunity. How you respond and use your situation, that's up to you.
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. -Isaiah 41:10
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