My Apologies To the Youth Group of My Heart

I want to start by saying that you all know who you are

 and you are all held deeply in my heart.

I have been wanting to write this for some time,

 but I didn't know where to start.

I have also thought about writing a personal message to each of you,

but I don't have all of you on my Facebook any longer.

I remember back to the day when Paul came to me in church and asked if I would be interested in helping out with our church Youth Group.

I was shocked because nobody had ever asked me anything like that.

I threw at him all the reasons that I shouldn't.

I told him that I have so much in my past and messed up so much in my life that I wouldn't be a good influence.

He said that was a perfect reason to be involved and that I can use those situations to help those young people that might be going through the same issues.

I also told him I was super shy and didn't like talking in front of people so I'm not sure I could be a leader.

So he asked me to just stop by and see what it's all about.

I remember that Monday night so clearly. 

That is the night that I fell in love with working with our Youth.

I remember one young lady(You know who you are :) ) running up to me and taking me on a tour. Taking me around to meet everyone and just sticking by my side.

I mean I'm the adult and she stepped out to make me feel comfortable. She made such an impact on my life right there from the start.

After that I was invited to help with the upcoming Winter Camp.

That set me in place, as if I wasn't already in at that point. That Winter Camp changed my life.

I became part of an amazing group of young people.

I kept coming and helping with youth. 

I remember how my shyness would kick in every week before heading to Youth.

I worried about saying something wrong. 

I worried about talking in front of people.

I remember how afraid I was when I knew we broke up into small groups.

I never led a small group before and I doubted myself.

I spent most of the day on Monday praying.

I just wanted God to work through me

I felt like Moses. I needed an interpreter to say what I wanted to, since I just didn't know how.

I felt like you all were my friends. 

I connected in with so many of you.

Yes, I was the adult but you were still my friends.

I experience life with all of you for 3 years.

The best 3 years.

You ALL changed my life.

Our Youth Pastor was really the one to pull me out of my cocoon.

Paul, is able to break the ice with anyone.

He is able to ask the right questions to get people talking and how to make people feel comfortable.

He was able to push me to do things I would never have thought possible.

It's just one of those many gifts that God has given him.

During those beautiful 3 years I was able to be part of the most incredible experiences.

From Winter Camp, to Hume, to Kickback and to a mission trip to Costa Rica.

I got to watch you amazing young people grow.

I got to watch you walk through the some of the most difficult days in your young lives.

I was able to help you with my ability to not hold back my past.

I was able to share the experiences and mistakes that I made with hope to help you not make the same mistakes.

I was able to be part of the Youth band and lead you in worship which is something else I wouldn't have ever done on my own.

Every week I looked forward to Monday so I could see all my favorite young people.

Those Monday evenings, the camps and the mission trip wasn't just for all of you to change your life but mine as well.

 I grew in my relationship with God immensely during that time. 

He brought me out of my comfort zone through all of you.

I feel like it's hard to put into words my feelings for all of you and what you mean to me.

I have never been around or seen a more amazing group of young men and women.

Then, I did something that changed everything.

I broke a piece of your hearts where you kept me.

For years I had one piece of my life that I was unhappy in. 

One piece that I didn't want to talk to you all about.

My marriage....

I remember so many times when one of you would mention marriage and I would try to change the subject. 

I would give you the most basic answer that I could just to get by.

How could I talk about something that I didn't fully believe in. 

Which was being married forever.

I had been thinking about divorce for so long and I had just been hoping God would work on that part of my life as well.

That maybe God would bring me some kind of magic solution to make me love my marriage.

Years and years and it didn't come.

I was breaking down in that part of my life a little every day.

Nobody would know because I kept it inside.

I didn't want to be a bad influence or hurt my children.

But I ended up doing both of those things anyways.

No matter how hard I thought I tried, I just couldn't get past it.

By being around people that showed me that a divorce was okay I started believing it and I left.

I didn't just leave my husband but I left;

my life, my children, my family, my friends, my youth group and my church.

I changed everything that I did love all because I gave up.

Sometimes we think things are so difficult, that it's time to give up.

Don't ever give up.

God will always get you through eventually. 

From there I went to hanging out with a new crowd.

 I surrounded myself with people that agreed with me so I didn't have to feel bad for what I had done.

I fell.....

I fell from God....

In a way I got what I wanted but I lost so much more.

Then, shortly after that the Lord blessed me with Justin.

Yes, it was shortly after. 

Yes, it was a blessing.

Who knows where I would've gone without meeting him when I did.

Yes, I met him in the wrong way and at the wrong time, but I believe God knew what I needed. God saved me by bringing me an amazing man before I ruined my life even more. 

I walked away and made so many bad decisions. 

I was embarrassed.

There were so many times in the time after

 that I would see some of you in public and walk the other way.

I didn't want to see you.

Not because of you, but because I was embarrassed.

I was supposed to be a good example for you.

I was your mentor

and I failed.

Paul just gave a message on leadership this last Sunday.

Those types of verses and sermons always bother me.

I was in leadership of all of you.

God gave me an incredible position to do his work 

and I failed him.

I was leading you, some of you were stepping where I stepped.

 I influenced your lives and I drew you down the wrong path.

The one thing that hurts me most is that I might have led some of you astray.

Just like those people that I surrounded myself with telling me that divorce was okay.

I want to say that I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry for making you believe that what I did was okay.

That living that life was okay.

That walking away from God was okay.

I'm sorry for leaving all of you.

I'm sorry for being a bad influence.

Please, will you forgive me?

To Paul: 

I'm so sorry. You believed in me.

You trusted that I would be a good influence.

I failed you.

Then, I left you to answer the questions that you didn't have the answers to. 

I didn't even come back to tell them all myself.

Thank you for believing in me and still believing in me.

Thank you for praying for me.

I know you have forgiven me already but I have never asked for it.

Can you please forgive me?

To the Parents:

I'm so sorry for disappointing you.

You intrusted your kids to me.

I had one of the most important jobs with your teenagers.

I hope I didn't lead them down the wrong path.

I'm sorry for hurting your kids.

I hope we can all look to the future that God has prepared.

Please, will you all forgive me?

The decisions that I have made in my life has made my life so much more difficult.

We all have to deal with the consequences of our decisions and those consequences vary.

Even as adults we mess up.

Your parents will mess up, your family members will mess up, your teachers will mess up and the other adults in your life will mess up.

Sometimes those mess ups can be life changing.

They can be embarrassing. 

We will be ashamed.

But, there is always time to change your life.

There is always time to come back to God.

To let him take over your life.

God has blessed me in so many ways in the last couple of years since then.

I look back and I see him standing by me through all the difficulties.

He helped me along the way and directed my path even after I walked away.

He has always brought me back.

Let God direct your lives and your life will be better off.

Your life will be beautiful.

Some of you might say that it worked out for me so it can work out for you too.

Yes, it worked out for me.

I have been forgiven.

Yes, God will bless your life.

Yes, God will forgive you when you come back to him.

But, like I said before, you still have to deal with the consequences of your choices.

The longer you are away the more consequences you will have.

Depending on your lifestyle either stay close to God and don't stray or come back to him.

Whatever situation you are in hand it over to God.

Let him bless your life.

Let him use you.

I have had those few of you that have been extra kind to me still. 

Thank you for that, it means a lot.

I know that it's hard in these situations.

You don't really know how to respond or if you should say hi.

I just want to say thank you for letting me be part of your lives.

Thank you for changing mine and you ALL will never leave my heart.

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.