A Letter to My Church Family

 Two weeks ago I was blessed with the opportunity to get up in front of my church and bare my heart. 

This was the scariest and most amazing experience. 

This is what I said.......

Hi, My name is Becca.

Some of you don’t know me and maybe you’re wondering why I’m standing up here. There are others of you that do know me but don’t know my past.

Then there are those of you that I have hurt and disappointed.

God calls us to confess our sins to one another and then we will be healed.

I know God has forgiven me already but I’m ready to be completely healed.

For those of you that don’t know me I will tell you a bit of my story.

I moved up to Lake Almanor about 8 years ago. I was a wife and a homeschooling mother of 2.

I fell in love with LACC. I started getting involved.

Then one Sunday Paul came and asked if I would be interested in helping out with our church Youth Group.

I was shocked because nobody had ever asked me anything like that.

I threw at him all the reasons that I shouldn't.

I told him that I have so much in my past and messed up so much in my life that I wouldn't be a good influence.

He said that was a perfect reason to be involved and that I can use those situations to help those young people that might be going through the same issues.

I also told him I was super shy and didn't like talking in front of people so I'm not sure I could be a leader.

So he asked me to just stop by and see what it's all about.

I experienced life with all of them for 3 years.

They ALL changed my life.

I felt like they all became my friends.

Yes, I was the adult but they were still my friends.

During those amazing 3 years I was able to be part of the most incredible experiences.

From Winter Camp, Hume, Kickback and a mission trip to Costa Rica.

Our Youth Pastor at the time now our Lead Pastor was able to push me to do things I would never have thought possible. (Like this. lol)

I got to watch these amazing young people grow.

I got to watch them walk through the some of the most difficult days in their young lives.

I was able to share the experiences and mistakes that I made with hope to help them not make the same mistakes.

Those Monday evenings, the camps and the mission trip weren’t just for all of them to change their lives but mine as well.

 I grew in my relationship with God immensely during that time. 

He brought me out of my comfort zone through all of them.

I feel like it's hard to put into words my feelings for all of them and what they mean to me.

Then, I did something that changed everything.

You all trusted me with your kids.

You trusted me to guide them down the right path but I didn’t

For years I had one piece of my life that I didn’t want to talk about.

My marriage.

I had been thinking about divorce for so long and I had just been hoping God would work on that part of my life as well.

That maybe God would bring me some kind of magic solution to make me love my marriage.

Yea

Years and years passed and it didn't come.

I was breaking down in that part of my life a little every day.

Nobody would know because I kept it inside.

I didn't want to be a bad influence or hurt my children.

But I ended up doing both of those things anyways.

No matter how hard I thought I tried, I just couldn't get past it.

By being around people that showed me that a divorce was okay I started believing it and I left.

I didn't just leave my husband but I left;

my life, my children, my family, my friends, my youth group and my church.

I changed everything that I did love all because I gave up.

Sometimes we think things are so difficult, that it's time to give up.

Don't ever give up.

God will always get you through eventually. 

From there I went to hanging out with a new crowd.

 I surrounded myself with people that agreed with me so I didn't have to feel bad for what I had done.

I fell.....

I fell from God....

In a way I got what I wanted but I lost so much more.

Then, shortly after that the Lord blessed me with Justin.

Yes, it was shortly after. 

Yes, it was a blessing.

Who knows where I would've gone without meeting him when I did.

Yes, I met him in the wrong way and at the wrong time, but I believe God knew what I needed. God saved me by bringing me an amazing man before I ruined my life even more. 

I walked away and made so many bad decisions. 

I was embarrassed.

I stopped coming to church because I didn’t want to be around people that would tell me that what I was doing was wrong.

The friends that cared about me.

To all the parents:

I was in leadership of all of your children.

God gave me an incredible position to do his work 

and I failed him.

I was leading them, some of them were stepping where I stepped.

 I influenced their lives and I drew them down the wrong path.

The one thing that hurts me most is that I might have led some of them astray.

I'm so sorry for disappointing you.

You entrusted your kids to me.

I had one of the most important jobs with your teenagers.

I'm sorry for hurting your kids.

I hope we can all look to the future that God has prepared.

Paul has heard this before but I added it anyways…….

To Paul: 

I'm so sorry. You believed in me.

You trusted that I would be a good influence.

I failed you.

Then, I left you to answer the questions that you didn't have the answers to. 

I didn't even have the courage to come back and tell them all myself.

Thank you for believing in me and still believing in me.

Thank you for praying for me.

Thank you for forgiving me.

To my two oldest children:

I never wanted this life for you.

I never wanted to hurt you.

I was selfish.

I don’t want you to have to share your holidays.

I don’t want you to have to carry your things back and forth in a suitcase every week because you want your favorite toys or clothes the next week.

I didn’t want you to be torn.

I have made your lives so much harder

And I am so very sorry.

There is nothing I can ever do to take back the pain I have caused you.

To my littlest toddler:

You are too young to understand any of this but,

I’m sorry your Sissy and Bubby are gone every other week.

I’m sorry that you have to ask for them to come home because you miss them so much.

To my amazing husband:

Thank you for being there for me.

You have had to walk a hard road with me.

We have had to walk a hard road.

Nothing has been easy for us.

Thank you for putting a smile on my face every day

 but especially on the hard days.

Thank you for being by my side.

 Lastly to my church family and friends:

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for disappointing you.

I’m sorry for walking away from God and I’m sorry for walking away from you.

I hurt many of you and I can never take that back.

I’m sorry.

Even as adults we mess up.

Sometimes those mess ups can be life changing.

They can be embarrassing. 

We will sometimes be ashamed of our past.

But, there is always time to change your life.

There is always time to come back to God,

to let him take over your life.

God has blessed me in so many ways in the last couple of years since then.

I look back and I see him standing by me through all the difficulties.

He helped me along the way and directed my path even after I walked away.

He has always brought me back.

Let God direct your lives and your life will be better off.

Your life will be beautiful.

Some of you might say that it worked out for me so it can work out for you too.

Yes, it worked out for me.

I have been forgiven.

Yes, God will bless your life.

Yes, God will forgive you when you come back to him.

You still have to deal with the consequences of your choices.

The longer you are away from God the more consequences you will have.

I don’t want to be the person that someone looks at and says, that I did it and I’m happy, so they can too.

That may be true. I am happy. But it has come with a very difficult road.

I have been punishing myself for a very long time.

I thought God would never be able to use me again.

I have been a failure.

Paul has encouraged me many times with the story of David. He made many mistakes and was still called, “A man after God’s own heart.”

I desire to be a woman after God’s own heart.

Through my bad decisions God has given me a heart for marriage.

We have to fight for our marriages.

They are the most important work that we can do for God.

I believe that if our marriages are whole the rest of our lives will fall into place.

Whatever your carrying around today,

God wants to take the weight off your back,

so give it to him.

  

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 

The whole sermon was absolutely amazing and I urge you to listen to it and I do come in towards the end. If you want to listen you can click here. 
http://lacconline.sermon.net/main/main/20876035

My Apologies To the Youth Group of My Heart

I want to start by saying that you all know who you are

 and you are all held deeply in my heart.

I have been wanting to write this for some time,

 but I didn't know where to start.

I have also thought about writing a personal message to each of you,

but I don't have all of you on my Facebook any longer.

I remember back to the day when Paul came to me in church and asked if I would be interested in helping out with our church Youth Group.

I was shocked because nobody had ever asked me anything like that.

I threw at him all the reasons that I shouldn't.

I told him that I have so much in my past and messed up so much in my life that I wouldn't be a good influence.

He said that was a perfect reason to be involved and that I can use those situations to help those young people that might be going through the same issues.

I also told him I was super shy and didn't like talking in front of people so I'm not sure I could be a leader.

So he asked me to just stop by and see what it's all about.

I remember that Monday night so clearly. 

That is the night that I fell in love with working with our Youth.

I remember one young lady(You know who you are :) ) running up to me and taking me on a tour. Taking me around to meet everyone and just sticking by my side.

I mean I'm the adult and she stepped out to make me feel comfortable. She made such an impact on my life right there from the start.

After that I was invited to help with the upcoming Winter Camp.

That set me in place, as if I wasn't already in at that point. That Winter Camp changed my life.

I became part of an amazing group of young people.

I kept coming and helping with youth. 

I remember how my shyness would kick in every week before heading to Youth.

I worried about saying something wrong. 

I worried about talking in front of people.

I remember how afraid I was when I knew we broke up into small groups.

I never led a small group before and I doubted myself.

I spent most of the day on Monday praying.

I just wanted God to work through me

I felt like Moses. I needed an interpreter to say what I wanted to, since I just didn't know how.

I felt like you all were my friends. 

I connected in with so many of you.

Yes, I was the adult but you were still my friends.

I experience life with all of you for 3 years.

The best 3 years.

You ALL changed my life.

Our Youth Pastor was really the one to pull me out of my cocoon.

Paul, is able to break the ice with anyone.

He is able to ask the right questions to get people talking and how to make people feel comfortable.

He was able to push me to do things I would never have thought possible.

It's just one of those many gifts that God has given him.

During those beautiful 3 years I was able to be part of the most incredible experiences.

From Winter Camp, to Hume, to Kickback and to a mission trip to Costa Rica.

I got to watch you amazing young people grow.

I got to watch you walk through the some of the most difficult days in your young lives.

I was able to help you with my ability to not hold back my past.

I was able to share the experiences and mistakes that I made with hope to help you not make the same mistakes.

I was able to be part of the Youth band and lead you in worship which is something else I wouldn't have ever done on my own.

Every week I looked forward to Monday so I could see all my favorite young people.

Those Monday evenings, the camps and the mission trip wasn't just for all of you to change your life but mine as well.

 I grew in my relationship with God immensely during that time. 

He brought me out of my comfort zone through all of you.

I feel like it's hard to put into words my feelings for all of you and what you mean to me.

I have never been around or seen a more amazing group of young men and women.

Then, I did something that changed everything.

I broke a piece of your hearts where you kept me.

For years I had one piece of my life that I was unhappy in. 

One piece that I didn't want to talk to you all about.

My marriage....

I remember so many times when one of you would mention marriage and I would try to change the subject. 

I would give you the most basic answer that I could just to get by.

How could I talk about something that I didn't fully believe in. 

Which was being married forever.

I had been thinking about divorce for so long and I had just been hoping God would work on that part of my life as well.

That maybe God would bring me some kind of magic solution to make me love my marriage.

Years and years and it didn't come.

I was breaking down in that part of my life a little every day.

Nobody would know because I kept it inside.

I didn't want to be a bad influence or hurt my children.

But I ended up doing both of those things anyways.

No matter how hard I thought I tried, I just couldn't get past it.

By being around people that showed me that a divorce was okay I started believing it and I left.

I didn't just leave my husband but I left;

my life, my children, my family, my friends, my youth group and my church.

I changed everything that I did love all because I gave up.

Sometimes we think things are so difficult, that it's time to give up.

Don't ever give up.

God will always get you through eventually. 

From there I went to hanging out with a new crowd.

 I surrounded myself with people that agreed with me so I didn't have to feel bad for what I had done.

I fell.....

I fell from God....

In a way I got what I wanted but I lost so much more.

Then, shortly after that the Lord blessed me with Justin.

Yes, it was shortly after. 

Yes, it was a blessing.

Who knows where I would've gone without meeting him when I did.

Yes, I met him in the wrong way and at the wrong time, but I believe God knew what I needed. God saved me by bringing me an amazing man before I ruined my life even more. 

I walked away and made so many bad decisions. 

I was embarrassed.

There were so many times in the time after

 that I would see some of you in public and walk the other way.

I didn't want to see you.

Not because of you, but because I was embarrassed.

I was supposed to be a good example for you.

I was your mentor

and I failed.

Paul just gave a message on leadership this last Sunday.

Those types of verses and sermons always bother me.

I was in leadership of all of you.

God gave me an incredible position to do his work 

and I failed him.

I was leading you, some of you were stepping where I stepped.

 I influenced your lives and I drew you down the wrong path.

The one thing that hurts me most is that I might have led some of you astray.

Just like those people that I surrounded myself with telling me that divorce was okay.

I want to say that I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry for making you believe that what I did was okay.

That living that life was okay.

That walking away from God was okay.

I'm sorry for leaving all of you.

I'm sorry for being a bad influence.

Please, will you forgive me?

To Paul: 

I'm so sorry. You believed in me.

You trusted that I would be a good influence.

I failed you.

Then, I left you to answer the questions that you didn't have the answers to. 

I didn't even come back to tell them all myself.

Thank you for believing in me and still believing in me.

Thank you for praying for me.

I know you have forgiven me already but I have never asked for it.

Can you please forgive me?

To the Parents:

I'm so sorry for disappointing you.

You intrusted your kids to me.

I had one of the most important jobs with your teenagers.

I hope I didn't lead them down the wrong path.

I'm sorry for hurting your kids.

I hope we can all look to the future that God has prepared.

Please, will you all forgive me?

The decisions that I have made in my life has made my life so much more difficult.

We all have to deal with the consequences of our decisions and those consequences vary.

Even as adults we mess up.

Your parents will mess up, your family members will mess up, your teachers will mess up and the other adults in your life will mess up.

Sometimes those mess ups can be life changing.

They can be embarrassing. 

We will be ashamed.

But, there is always time to change your life.

There is always time to come back to God.

To let him take over your life.

God has blessed me in so many ways in the last couple of years since then.

I look back and I see him standing by me through all the difficulties.

He helped me along the way and directed my path even after I walked away.

He has always brought me back.

Let God direct your lives and your life will be better off.

Your life will be beautiful.

Some of you might say that it worked out for me so it can work out for you too.

Yes, it worked out for me.

I have been forgiven.

Yes, God will bless your life.

Yes, God will forgive you when you come back to him.

But, like I said before, you still have to deal with the consequences of your choices.

The longer you are away the more consequences you will have.

Depending on your lifestyle either stay close to God and don't stray or come back to him.

Whatever situation you are in hand it over to God.

Let him bless your life.

Let him use you.

I have had those few of you that have been extra kind to me still. 

Thank you for that, it means a lot.

I know that it's hard in these situations.

You don't really know how to respond or if you should say hi.

I just want to say thank you for letting me be part of your lives.

Thank you for changing mine and you ALL will never leave my heart.

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Fighting with your Spouse? Fight Fair, Fight Right!

So I thought of this while

 I was on my hands and knees doing a deep

 scrubbing of my kitchen floor.

When we give our minds a little quiet time we have time to ponder things.

It's kinda unusual for us to have quiet time in this very busy world. 

I take it when I can :)

So, I spent my time thinking about fighting. 

Yes, I actually spent my time thinking about this. But there is a reason.

Yesterday, my husband and I got into a fight. 

You know, not the disagreement type, but the fight type. 
So it was still pretty raw.

There are different types of fighting. 

The disagreement ones,they aren't as bad. You disagree, maybe a slight argument then you come back together with no issues.

But...... the fights are the hard ones. They linger.

At least for us they do so I suspect they do for you as well.

The fight is so bad that it takes a couple days to recover. 

Like a hangover. 

A fight hangover.... ugh ..... the worst.

Then a friend of mine posted a really awesome Facebook post. 

She said that a marriage is not perfect. Love isn't perfect. 

It's so true, it's messy. It's ugly, and sometimes it's hurtful. 

We don't mean to hurt the one we love the most but sometimes it happens. 

We say terrible things that we don't really mean in the heat of an argument.

We treat the love of our lives with disrespect and unkindness.

We should treat our spouses with the same respect as everyone else. You know like the kind where your in the heat of an argument and you can answer the phone and be perfectly fine around others. 

We know how to control our temper when we want to. We just don't want to. 
For most of us we would never treat our friends the same 
way that we treat our spouses. 
So why do we treat the one that's closest to us this way?

We need to enjoy the fact that we get to come home to someone that loves and cares about us. 

Someone that is our friend and partner in life. 

The peace it brings me to know I always have someone on my side. 

Someone always there to hold me when I'm upset. 

Someone to laugh with at the silly things.

Someone to watch our children grow. 

I never have to sit alone, or go to a party alone.

Before marriage you think everything is going to be perfect. 
We aren't going to fight, we're different..........
That's not real life.
Sure, there are people that don't fight as often, then there are the couples that fight a lot. 
When you put two different people in a house together there are bound to be issues. 
Differences. 
We come from different upbringings and we have different likes and dislikes.
You can't go through life thinking that a marriage shouldn't have fighting because that's false thinking.  Thinking like that can make you turn away from your spouse and grow resentment. 
Maybe even say that, maybe you weren't meant to be together. 
Fighting is part of life. You just have to learn the correct way to fight. 
You have to think the best of the one you love.
Stop the thinking that they just want to hurt you,
Because in reality they don't. They love you, just like you love them.

Marriage is work. It's difficult.
But it's also beautiful!
Like I said before, you have security. 
You have love. 
You have someone to snuggle and watch movies with.
Someone to watch football with.
Someone to go on bike rides with.
Someone to go camping with.
Someone to help you.
(for us someone to Pokemon with)
But, most of all someone to Love you!

We are all looking for love. You can tell by all the dating sites out there. All the posts people put on Facebook. The full bars with people looking for love. Yes, some of these ways aren't the right way to look for love or it's looking for the wrong kind of love. 
But, that is everyone's main desire.
Love.
Most people are looking for someone. 
We all want to be 
loved and cared for.  

I have heard a million times to treat your spouse as if you are doing it for the Lord.
For so long I just couldn't grasp that.
I'm still not good at it at all but at least I get the concept.
During a fight you should think about Jesus being right there beside you. Would you be treating your spouse the same? You need to be a servant to the Lord, and bite your tongue, even when you want the last word. 
Give the argument over to God. Some things are not worth fighting for. 
Do it as serving God.
If you feel like your spouse doesn't deserve it then,
look to Jesus instead of your spouse. 
Doing this is an amazing way to honor God.

Learn to take the first step and say your sorry.
Learn how to change the situation by taking the first step to forgiveness.
Learn how to stop the fight before it starts.
Remember that you are a team,
and you have the same goal.

These things are hard for us to remember. My husband and I struggle with this during our arguments.
Sometimes we create the fight. 
We are working on how we argue so we don't turn a disagreement into a full blown fight 
but we struggle with it. 
Some times we do things the wrong way. 
Some times we still fight. 
I believe it takes practice. You have to constantly have it on your mind to be conscious of your response.
Your response is your responsibility!

Also, remember to resolve your conflict.
If you just ignore it then it WILL come back.
Learn how to talk about the issue at hand. 
Talking about our issues and disagreements give us opportunities to grow in our marriage.
So don't give up the opportunity to bring the two of you together. 
Build your team.

Forgiveness, 
is a main ingredient to having a good marriage.
After the fighting you have to forgive your spouse. 
You have to come back together and love one another. 
Don't hold onto resentment.
Let it go. 
 (we can sing the Frozen song now )
Seriously though, Let it go. 
Let Love Shine.

Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another and forgive one another as God has forgiven you through Christ. Ephesians 4:32

Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins. 
Peter 4:8

The Fear behind a Molar Pregnancy

So, once again I wasn't going to write about this.

 I woke up this morning thinking about meeting with my pastor, not putting this on my blog.

Then, I thought about the fact that I started this blog knowing that I would be putting myself out there.

I would be putting all of the situations that I go through on here to hopefully help someone else.

We are only on this earth for a short time. 

God gave us each other to help walk through our trials. 

He gave us the things we go through, not to keep to ourselves, but to share.  

I'm scared! 

That's really all there is to it.

That's what happens when you hear some sort of diagnosis that has scary possibilities.

My miscarriage and D&C was about a month ago and I finally was able to get into the doctor yesterday. It took what felt like forever because of the holiday's and my doctor getting emergency surgery. So, I go in and meet with a new doctor and she tells me that all my tests came back fine but I had a Molar Pregnancy that they discovered during the procedure. I had only heard of the word before and had no idea what it meant. She told me basics in the office and that I needed to come in every month for 6 months for a blood test and it's very important that we don't get pregnant during that time. I wasn't too worried because she didn't seem worried (but it's her job not to freak me out).

When I got home and talked with my husband about it, he encouraged me (like he does in his amazing, loving way). He also told me not to look it up online. I didn't listen.

Here are the basics to a Molar Pregnancy in my words from research I have done online:

1. Molar Pregnancy is when the "tissue" that would become a baby becomes an abnormal growth in your uterus. A tumor. 

2. There are two different kinds of Molar Pregnancy's. I had a complete Molar pregnancy (the worst one).

3. Out of 1000 cases of complete molar pregnancy, 150-200 develop trophoblastic disease that keeps growing after the tissue is removed according to Web MD. 

4. Traces of the Molar Pregnancy can begin to grow again and may posses a cancerous threat. 

5. In a few cases, trophoblastic disease turns into cancer. In rare cases, the abnormal tissue can spread to other parts of the body. 

6. Almost all women who get this cancer are cured with treatment like Chemotherapy and possible radiation. 

7. Early detection and being monitored closely by your doctor is essential. 

No pregnancy for 6 months.

That seems so long for someone already hoping to get pregnant. 

Yes, I am happy that all my test results came back fine.

I'm happy I already have been blessed with 3 beautiful children.

I have a wonderful husband 

and a beautiful life. 

But........

We have really been hoping and praying for another child and this just puts one more thing into the equation. 

It may seem small to some of you but to me it isn't. It feels huge. Yes, I can go through this time and everything will be okay. There will be no more growth and after 6 months we can try again. 

Or....

There could be more growth and it could be more serious. 

Will it ever stop?

I feel like the difficulties just won't stop. 

They just keep flowing into our lives and pouring out more pain.

I was in our daughter's room last night when they were sleeping and I was thinking of course this wasn't just a normal miscarriage. Of course it is something way more serious and scary. 

I deserve this for all the things I have done.

My life WILL never be normal.

The problems will just keep coming.

I'm sure I will end up with the worst case scenario, I deserve it.

What's next?

What more can happen in our lives?

How much more pain can we handle?

Can we please have a break?

This morning when I woke up I just didn't know how to feel about it.

I'm really scared and

I want to encourage others with my stories but I just don't know how to encourage anyone with this one. I didn't know what to say.  I just wanted to meet with my pastor and have the church pray for us. 

Then this post came up on Facebook from KLove and it was this verse:

Don't be afraid, 

For I am with you.

Don't be discouraged, 

For I am your God.

I will strengthen 

you and help you.

I will hold you up with

my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Do I blame God for all the bad things that happen?

No!

The thought crosses my mind but I know better. 

I know I'm not being punished because he loves us and wants the best for us. 

I can look back at my life and see so many times that he could've punished me, if he was a God that punished his children. I have done so many wrong things. I have walked so many wrong paths. I wouldn't have so many blessings if that were true. 

God only gives us what he knows we can handle. 

Some of us go through really difficult situations and some of us don't get very many. Sometimes we have long seasons of difficulties and sometimes they are short. 

But...

He only gives us what we can handle, no more. God lets situations to happen to grow us weather it's a good or bad situation. It's all a growth opportunity. How you respond and use your situation, that's up to you. 

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

Doubting in the Midst of Pain and Suffering

Who am I that God would love me?

Who am I that anyone would love me?

Do I even deserve any of the things that God has blessed me with?

When I go through something difficult I immediately doubt God. 

That's my first response? Crazy right?

Where are you God? Why would you let this happen? Is there really a God? 

Do you really love me? Can't you take this pain away? If you can do all things then why didn't you take this from me? 

Then I go to blaming myself..... I deserve this! With everything I have done I can see why you would allow this to happen to me. You are making me hurt like I have hurt others. Why would I deserve any blessings? I'm a terrible person. 

My next step? I realize what I'm doing and I reach out to God. Like I never have before. I feel closer to him then I ever do. I feel him speak to me so clearly. We connect on a level unexplainable.

It's the most amazing feeling to connect with God. 

To feel him reach down and hold you in his arms. 

To feel secure in his love. 

To feel safe.

Sure the pain is still there. The horrible situation is still there. The suffering is still there. 

The loss is still there. 

But something is different,

 I have God by my side. 

We have all gone through something difficult in our lives. We have all had pain and suffering. We have lost loved ones, lost a child, been hurt by someone we love, had cancer or know someone that has cancer, lost a job, lost a home, couldn't make ends meet, There are so many painful things that we go through on this earth. 

But............

Our Response is our Responsibility!
I heard this recently in a bible study called  Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and it hit me.
My Response IS my Responsibility! 
How am I going to respond to a terrible situation? That's up to me. 
Nobody else can determine how I respond. Sure situations can hurt me. People can hurt me.
I can be upset, angry and hurt.
But how I respond is up to me. What I make of the situation is up to me. 
Will I do something positive with the pain that I have gone through or will I dwell in it?

I have gone through a lot of painful situations in my life. Some of them I have blogged about and some of them I will write about in the future. Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take. How much more will God really make me walk through? I just want a bit of peace and an easier life.

But you know what?
 Life has difficulties. Life has pain and suffering. It's not going to be easy here on earth. So we need to make decisions on how we are going to react to our situations. 
We need to reach out to God. 
We need to connect with God like we never have before. We need to get down on our knees and spend time with him. Let him fill you with his peace and his strength. We need to reach out to each other. You never know how much you can help someone until you reach out. Spill your heart to God, then spill it to others around you. 

Remember that you will get through this. The pain will subside. You WILL move past this.
 Let God be your guide. Let God be your peace. Let God be your strength. 


John 16:33
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Miscarriage: The Raw, Heartbreaking, Painful Experience (Warning! This will be a bit gross)

It's 3 am and I can't sleep. 

My youngest daughter and my husband are all cozy in our bed and I can't quiet my mind. I didn't even know if I would ever write about this but with the recent loss I just need somewhere to put my feelings on this very heartbreaking event. This painful experience is very current and raw to me and I hope I will be able to put my feelings down correctly.

I believe the subject of miscarriage isn't talked about very often. I believe that when women experience a miscarriage it's so hurtful and embarrassing that they rarely tell anyone especially if they have had more than one. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold much back. I think we are all human and the experiences that God has given us are a way to help others. If we don't talk about it then we can't help each other.

I'm hurting right now. Bottom line is a miscarriage is hurtful weather you chose to get pregnant or weather it was a surprise. I believe that in some way you will carry it for the rest of your life. Here is our story:

September of 2015, about a year ago, we found out I was pregnant. We didn't want to get pregnant at that time. We were on birth control, our daughter was only a year old and we were going through a very hard time. It wasn't the right time at all. We love children and wanted more children in the future but right then was just a hard season. We didn't tell very many people but we did tell our children and a couple of people closest to us. We were going to wait until after our first doctors appointment to tell the world with our sonogram pictures. The first appointment came and they did the ultrasound and couldn't find a heartbeat. My heart sank. I have three healthy children, how could this happen? Maybe it was a mistake? They scheduled another ultrasound at the hospital. My husband couldn't make it to this one because of work so I was on my own. The ultrasound tech was so kind and got a very kind older doctor to reveal to me the definite truth about our baby. Our baby wasn't alive. He explained that his wife had a miscarriage when they were younger and went on to have four healthy children. Everyone wants you to feel like it's not your fault but you feel like it is anyways. They go over your options to have a D&C procedure to have all the tissue removed. Tissue? It's my baby!

 I had wished my husband was able to come along. It was hurtful, embarrassing and I felt alone that day. My husband wished he was there and was so amazing when he got home, he just loved on me. We decided not to do any medical procedures and to let my body do what it was supposed to naturally. 

Everything we had seen in movies didn't prepare us for what was about to happen. 

I started bleeding on the 11th of September. I was very crampy and in pain during this time. We consider me to actually miscarry on the 23rd. It was not a sit on the toilet, over and done thing (I'm sure some people do have this experience but not I). We dropped our kids off at Awana's and as we got home I started extreme cramping and I started passing huge blood clots. It lasted for a couple of hours. Every time one came out I wondered if it was our baby but I couldn't tell. I had never seen this much blood or this big of blood clots in my life.  My husband was so helpful and got me whatever I needed, he's such an amazing man and supporter. He is always strong for me when I need him to be. 

The pain and bleeding wouldn't stop. I got in the shower thinking this might help. It didn't. Nothing helped. My husband picked up the kids from Awana's and got them in bed that night as I was still going through the pain of losing our child. I was weak from losing so much blood. I kept wondering if a person could lose this much blood and live. I don't remember what time it stopped but eventually the cramping subsided enough to crawl into bed and sleep. 

The next two weeks were still rough. I kept bleeding and ever so often would have a time of clots again. I wondered if this would ever end. Would I ever get passed this? The bleeding stopped for a short time and we thought, finally it's over. But every couple of days I would start up again and have the extreme cramping but it would only last about an hour or so. We finally decided to make a doctors appointment. They discovered that there was still some "tissue"left in me that needed to be removed. On Saturday October 10th I had a procedure that I never thought I would have. I had a D&C. I had never had surgery or been put out so that part was scary. My husband and I were glad we decided on this route instead of waiting it out. We were glad it was finally over. It had been a really long, rough month. We just wanted to heal. 

It was tough to tell our kids. To explain that sometimes this happens. It's such a hard thing to explain to children that sometimes babies don't survive. I think it hurt our son the most because he was hoping for a little brother to have in his room and teach Legos. 

In the coming months it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant. It seemed like announcements were going up all around Facebook. It hurt every time. I saw women that were growing in their pregnancy and I thought about how far along I would've been. I would see babies and be so jealous of those women. This went on for a few months. I kept the pain inside. I didn't even fully explain my feelings to my husband (even though he probably already knew). 

A year later......

A few months ago, my husband and I, decided to expand our family and try for another baby. We were so excited. We did everything right. I started on Prenatals, I stopped drinking alcohol and started eating better.  At first we just let things happen as they did but then a couple of months went by and we still weren't pregnant so we started tracking my ovulation and the next month we found out we were expecting. 

We were so excited but not as excited as when we had our daughter. This time there was a cloud hanging over our heads. Would it happen again? Would we have to go through that pain again? We didn't tell anyone. We didn't tell our children, we didn't want them to go through the loss again. We kept it to ourselves. We rarely talked about it. It wasn't like our 2 year old. When we were pregnant with her we told the whole world right away. We read books and had every pregnancy app on our phones. We followed so closely. 

I finally gave in and added some pregnancy apps to my phone. I thought as time went on that there's no way that this would happen again. The first time we were on birth control so we blamed that for the miscarriage, but this time we did everything right. I would start to get excited and then remind myself not to get excited until after the ultrasound. The weeks dragged on and on. I wanted to tell people but we just couldn't. We would have a conversation about having a new little one but stop it short. I would watch videos of babies and look forward to having a new little one of our own. The closer it got to the doctors appointment the more we talked about it. I just kept thinking there's no way this is going to happen again, it's so rare. 

Our little girl is obsessed with babies and she will do everything baby. When she sees a baby, even if it's in a picture she puts her arms out and says, "Hold baby?" She plays with her babies at home all day long and anytime we go to the store she wants to see the baby toys. I was so excited because the time was coming where we could explain to her that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. I couldn't wait to tell our two oldest children, they were going to be so excited. Skyler would look forward to having a baby brother. We planned it out. We had a family trip coming up and they were coming back from their dad's on Tuesday, so we would tell them then, the day before our trip. We decided that we would do family pictures that day so we could take fun pregnancy announcement pictures to post on Facebook after we told our family on Thanksgiving. 

The day finally came for our doctors appointment.

 Last night I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep, every scenario went through my head and I was so filled with fluctuating emotions. The day went so slow. I would get excited but then remind myself that I can't get excited until after the ultrasound, but really I was excited. This wouldn't happen again, right? We are going to be able to tell everyone and start planning for our sweet little family addition.  My mind had been full of worry, doubt, happiness, excitement and fear. I went to a Thanksgiving feast at my son's school and on my way home I just started praying. I don't know if any of you have felt God speak to you before but it's hard to describe. It's this feeling that comes over you, a knowing. I had this as I was praying for our appointment coming up in just a few hours. It was a feeling that everything will be okay. I felt at peace. God just told me that our baby would survive. I still had worry in the back of my mind though but it felt different. 

The drive to the doctors office felt like forever. The doctor took forever to come in and then it took forever to get to the ultrasound part. 

Right away I knew something was wrong. 

The second the picture came up, the first glance, there was no baby. The sac was there but with nothing inside. I laid back down and watched the doctors face. I could tell by the look of his face what he was going to say.  My heart sank. My husbands face showed the same thing my heart was feeling. This can't be happening again. We did everything right. Our two year old, that was in my husbands arms and was just jabbering, was suddenly quiet. She even knew something was wrong. The doctor gave us his apologies and left the room to give us a little time. I broke. I can't believe it. I thought God told me that our baby was okay? What did he mean? God, are you even real? Am I being punished for all the wrong things I have done? Do you want me to experience every kind of hurtful experience in this life? Why? What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why did our baby die? Why is this happening again?

My husband, the amazing, strong man that he is just held me and reassured me that it wasn't my fault and we would try again. He gave me hope for our future. He said all the right things even though I know he was hurting too. He lost his little baby, maybe even his son. I know his heart was breaking as well but my husband just knew that I needed him. I'm so blessed to have this wonderful man by my side. 

Our little girl just laid her head on her daddy's chest and watched with sad eyes. She didn't know what was going on but she knew something was making mommy very sad. She had no idea that she just lost her little baby too. The little baby that I had pictured her being so excited to hold. Her very own baby brother or sister that she can hold anytime she wanted. 

My husband and I decided that we didn't want to go through what we went through the last time, especially with our family trip coming up. We made an appointment for a D&C with the doctor. 

We left that doctors office hand in hand with our hearts breaking. 

The world continues on....

Nothing stops, even if it stopped for us.

Our world was crushed and nobody knew.

We had my Brother in Law's football game about 2 hours out of town that night and we started our journey. It was not filled with excitement and joy of singing songs on the radio. The drive was filled with thoughts of loss and tears. 

I know everyone has had a different experience and has different feelings on this tragedy. I also know there are people that have lost their babies later in pregnancy or after the baby is born. My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a child. I can't imagine the amount of pain of losing a child you have held in your arms.

Earlier, when I was explaining my doubts in my time of pain, I said, "Is God even real?". In times of pain and confusion isn't this what a lot of us do? Isn't it easy to let our doubts in? I don't know what God's plan is for us. I don't even know if he is going to allow us to have more children. But I do know that I may have taken what he said wrong. I took it as our baby would survive, but what he really gave me was peace that everything would be okay. I'm hurting and I want to know why but I'm not going to find out why this side of Heaven. I will always have doubts. I'm already worrying about the future. Will it happen again? Will we go through the 9 long weeks then be crushed again? But, like my husband said, "this doesn't mean we stop trying". We might just have to go through this again but it's something I'm willing to do. I don't know what kind of loss or pain will be coming and I don't know what the future holds.

One thing I do know, (as my tears fall upon this computer) that we have two beautiful babies in Heaven waiting for us. 

No, we didn't get to enjoy them here on earth but one day we will meet them. 

One day we will hug them, our children will hug their brothers or sisters, but for now they are with Jesus. 

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.